It’s Thanksgiving and I want to die!

This might sound like I’m overreacting, when really it’s kind of like the final push. Today at like 6am one of my cats wake me up like he does every morning he’s actually home. He’s an indoor outdoor cat. He always demands to be let out early as fuck in the morning and my boyfriend NEVER lets him out for me. Even though it’s “our” cat. I hate being woke up for no reason so I’m kind of mad and tell the cat to shut up. He shuts up for a few seconds and then meows several times as loud as he can. So I get up and let him out and go back to bed. Then I notice my boyfriend is already awake and on his phone. He’s awake but he can’t let the cat out? Whatever, I go back to sleep.

I wake up a few hours later and my boyfriend is putting on his clothes  and I just ask quietly “Where are you going?” and he’s like “Where the fuck does it look like I’m going? I’m going to the fucking store?” and I’m like “I was just asking..” and he replied “Yeah well if you’re going to wake up with an attitude I’m going to match it.” and I was like “I was upset because the cat woke me up again.” and he was like “Yeah I don’t give a fuck” and leaves.

Yeah Happy Thanksgiving to you too, loving boyfriend.

Not like I’m allowed to have an attitude when you wake up pissed or come home pissed and take all your anger out on me calling me names and shit. And you’re mad because I don’t like being woke up if I don’t need to be awake.

Letter to you.

You’re the reason I wake up every morning wanting to die. You’re the biggest reason I hate myself. You’re the reason I’m scared to open my mouth. You’re the reason I flinch at loud voices and hands. You’re the reason for every tear I’ve cried in the two years that I’ve known you. You’re the reason I am crying on the cold bathroom floor because I know you don’t want me around when you get back from the “store”. You’re the reason I’m so worthless. You’re the reason of all my depression and anxiety. The constant fear of not being good enough and always walking on eggshells really does damage to your mind after a while. Your expectations are so high that you, yourself can’t even reach them.

You just texted me, “I’m getting really tired of this hateful shit you always pull. You wanna see hateful, just wait.”

I’ve seen more hate than most people my age. And it’s all because of you. But what did 16 year old me expect when getting involved with a 26 year old man? I wish I never met you. I wouldn’t have to had fallen in love with you. My life would be so much better without you. I would’ve been able to enjoy senior year. I would still have friends. I would’ve went to prom. Took senior pictures. All that. Now I don’t want to remember any of it. If I never met you, I would be in college right now. My parents would’ve been proud. My sister would’ve actually liked me for once. You could’ve had the world, but now he won’t even let you vote! I am so stupid. Just leave you stupid pathetic little *****. Leave when he’s out with his real family for Thanksgiving tonight. Leave when he’s out with his son’s mom telling her how good her cooking is and how pretty she is.  Why do you put up with this shit?

Letter to me.

You’re not the person you used to be. There used to be a fire inside you. You wouldn’t let anyone put it out until you met him. You stood up for yourself and what you believed in. Now you’re on autopilot because you can’t trust yourself to make any kind of decision anymore. You don’t know who the fuck you are anymore. He stole you. He stole your identity and destroyed it and brainwashed you to be his little puppet and do everything he asked. 15 year old you is looking down and thinking “What the fuck? How did it get this low? Leave! Get out! Please!”

Dear old me,

I am so sorry for letting you down. Letting everything you stand for being washed away like dirt. I’m sorry I’ve gone against all of my morals to be with him. I’m so sorry. You thought your life was in a rut, look at it now. I would give ANYTHING to go back to high school. Relive everything without the stress of being him. You only get to be young once. I shouldn’t have wanted to be an adult so bad. I regret everything from Junior year on. What were supposed to be my greatest milestones turned into the worst days of my life. Because of him. But I can’t put all the blame on him because seriously WHAT THE FUCK were you thinking when you got involved with a grown man with a child? I know he seemed so perfect. So stable. He had a house, a car, a job. He was the nicest person you knew at first. Not to mention so so so handsome. But if you knew what he was going to put you through, you would’ve ran for your life. I’m so ashamed I was stupid enough to fall for his tricks. Fall for his fake personality. He’s the polar opposite of who you saw yourself being with. But at the time, you were so naive. You believed in first impression. He didn’t look abusive. He didn’t seem racist. I mean, he has a half black son! He didn’t seem homophobic. I mean, you did tell him you were a lesbian the first time you talked to him! He laughed. But now look at him. He hates black people. He hates gay people. He’s transphobic as fuck. He’s everything you hate. But you fell in love with him before he showed you his true colors. And he can spend his whole life blaming his actions and words on you going out to a party behind his back when you were in high school. But the abuse started before that. I remember that night. It was the final flame you had. The final bone of rebel you had left in you. You went out on a limb and went to that party. You were tired of being told what you can and can’t do. You were tired of not being allowed to have friends. That was the last time you were your own person. You were to scared to fuck up after that. I get it. But now, you realize that no matter what, you’re going to fuck up in his eyes. Even if you don’t make his soup quite hot enough he’s pissed and yells at you. Nothing will ever be good enough in his house and the sooner you realize that, the better. You need to leave baby girl. I know it’s going to be hard but you have to do it. You don’t have to do it today. But please tell me you will. And mean it. I know promises don’t mean much to you anymore, but please make this promise and make it count. He’s not going to change. He’s not going to start loving you after hating you for so long. You can’t do this for much longer. The next time he tells you to leave, run. And never look back.

Edit: He’s been at the “store” for two hours.