Been awhile since I’ve been on here….
horrible year
horruble month
horrible week
horrible night
im lying in bed i feel pain, extreme anxiety, exhausted hurt, familiar anger and confusion.
Am I that stressed out I don’t know what the f*** to do?!?! dare I say it but have I hit bottom? (Pffft if my past tells me anything I have a heck load left)
reading my previous posts… so depressed….
i am still depressed. But It’s mixed with an annoyance. I’m annoyed at myself. Last night (my stomach just flipped) was disgraceful. How could I possibly allow myself to be in that position? Why the hell have I put complete wankers around me? Why am I still in the same fucked up state I was almost two years ago?
im really scared. I actually don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to fix what’s wrong. I keep putting off problems, issues, shit to the side and now it’s one big mess. It feels like one slow big panic attack. I can’t ask anyone for help. I don’t know who to talk too about what. I don’t trust anyone. I think that’s what hurts the most. I don’t have anyone I know has my back and is ther for me completely.
Fucking pepper spray just went into my eyes coz of course I’m crying.
SHIT IT HURTS
ok.. that was a lovely couple minutes under the tap screaming. I’ve washed my face and hands how is it still there?!??
yeh add to my complete fucked up list of shit I had some lovely time with the police yesterday.
how is it I wanted to study law (&forenics..?)and be a detective fast forward I’m on the complete opposite ?! How embarrassing. I’m beyond mortified. My brain still struggles to wrap around that I have had bad encounters with the police. I have been charged before (charges dropped just one to go) sat in a cell, been to court, told off a magistrate, statements, interviews and of course me being blatantly rude to the police now. That’s not me. I don’t recognise who I am and I’m so disappointed in myself. How is it my whole life I have always believed in justice and the police force and now be so far on the other end ? I’m meant to be respected and I’m not. Meant to be. Ha. I guess why would an officer show me resoex