This is my story, abridged, but I just need to get it out. I don’t know if it will help me, or anyone.
I’m an only child. Maybe that doesn’t matter. The thing is there were no brothers and sisters, no one ever approached me in my parents eyes. I didn’t understand other children. There was some sort of commonality that they had, I didn’t.
So there was always reading, I wanted to be understood but at least I could understand others. Slowly but surely I would figure out other humans, but I never figured out how to be like them.
Anyway, I learned to function. My parents sent me to specialists, speech pathologists, therapists, I’ve taken more tests than I know what to do with.
Everyone kept telling me “You’re going to be a doctor someday, or a lawyer.” I didn’t want to be a fucking doctor or a lawyer, I didn’t know what I fucking wanted I was a fucking child.
Then I left high school. Adrift. Eventually I just started doing things because they made sense at the time. Married a lady, got divorced. No kids, the average age to have children in my state is 19, I’m 11 years older than that without any. This is not on purpose, I’d love to have kids.
I spent a decade feeling around in the dark trying to find my place in the working world. At the end of all this I’ve decided that I think I know where I belong, but I sure as shit know where I don’t. So I’m in school training to be useful to others, but what I fucking want? Who knows. I’m still grasping blindly in the dark.
Yet, I’m good at what I do. People still tell me I’m smart, or perceptive. If I shave people tell me I’m young…. I want someone to say that I’m kind, or that I made a fucking difference. That in some way what I did changed the path of their life.
That would make it worth it late at night when I talk myself down from wanting to die. Wanting to do anything to black out how alone I am, and how far distant where I am is from where I would prefer to be.
Value is in the eye of the beholder, so maybe I should just be better at selling the product that is me. That’s what capitalism does to us all, reduces us to petty products, to be peddled on the open market. There’s a social market, a job market, a dating market and so on and so on. Markets are there to be exploited. We are the rats, the markets are the mazes. Learn to hop the fucking wall, because I’m trying.
The whole trick to getting rich is to break the laws that haven’t been passed. The trick to dating is to switch up the script, be above what anyone expects. The trick to work is to exploit your employer into letting you have a nice day, carve out a little hole where we can be happy in this miserable society.
Everyone’s sad, everyone hurts, and stress is everywhere. If this wasn’t true capitalism doesn’t work, because happy people have lower needs than miserable people.
Fuck!
1 comment
Not knowing your place is damn frustrating. In my opinion, it would be worse if you had stayed married and had kids. Not a good situation for a restless searching soul. You may “find” yourself, you may not. At the very least, you’ll continue to learn more about yourself.