Hey guys ,
It’s my first time posting there even though I’ve been following this page for some time now.Its nice to know there is a place where I can express my feelings.
This year on february I met my father for the first time (me being almost 20 ) .At the beggining he was quite interested , but now I dont think he wants to deal with me anymore .Ive not seen him for a month and a half.Ive been calling him once or twice a week to set up a meeting but he keeps postponing it cuz he’s busy.Im trying to not let this situation to get me ,but it feels like Im getting rejected again as a daughter .First it was his fault cuz he left me as a baby , now it seems like its my fault cuz he got to know me theese few months and I wasnt good enough .And I understand him cuz I havent been close ,I have never even called him “dad” .I just stupidly get nervous whenever I meet him and cant keep the conversation going for more than 30 min .Firstly I only wanted to meet him so that he would help me financially through college ,now I wish to tell him : okay I dont want anything from you anymore ,just go live with your family happily.
What should I do …
6 comments
I’m not sure what to say. My reply might be harsh I’m sorry about that. You must have alot of guts to reach out to a father who left you as a baby. I’d probably wait a while again to contact him; give him some space. It kinda does seem at this point that he doesn’t want to contact you.
By ‘left’ do you mean he abandoned you as a baby?
Also he isn’t just there to fund your college studies. Its not really right to think that way in my opinion. You aren’t owed anything, just like me, just like anyone else in this world. A better reason to reach out to him would be to get to know him better.
Yeah I would sure like it if someone funded my college studies too, I admit that.
I wouldn’t mention the last part for now. You have to give it more time I think. I’d say at least another 3 months.
Just leave him a message tell him how much you need for college a month or at the beginning of the semester and he’ll probably be really generous because he’s never helped you before in your life
I can relate to your pain, and all I can say is I’m sorry you’re having to go through it. For the first 12 or 13 years of my life, I grew up believing the man in my home, was my dad. Until I got a call from someone who asked if I knew who he was. I gave the phone to my mom, and later that day my mom and ”dad” told me the truth. The man that called was my real biological father. He and my mother split or divorced shortly after I was born. Before I was old enough to have any memory of him, put it that way. Looking back, I really don’t know why he called that day, maybe my mother had something of his, or he was looking for help from her? I was told it was because he wanted to meet me and get to know me. We arranged to meet at a restaurant, only for him to stand me up. And to my knowledge he never called again. After that, I didn’t even want to get to know him. How can someone just do that. I don’t really know which is worse, to have met the man and then have him realize he doesn’t want to get to know me or have anything to do with me (and in your case) or to be stood up and never have met him. Probably to have never met him, I imagine that would be your reasonable response. For me, I’ll never have the chance to know him. Never know what he looked like, and if I lived long enough, if I might look like him in age. Never know his side of the family. Did he have other kids, do I have other siblings? I finally got up the nerve to look him up once I was out on my own, and felt it’s something I could do without my parents knowing. After a long search, I found out he died the same year I graduated High School. I have to agree with Mouse, give him space and a little time. Maybe he’ll come around. I wouldn’t mention money or school funds. Even if it was his idea or something he mentioned. Just get to know him, if he seems worthy of your time and energy. Only you can be the judge of that. Be open and honest with yourself. Ask yourself what you would like to see come out of this? Wish you all the best!
I just read your story and I think it deserves the best thoughts I can bring to it tomorrow (it is late here). Sorry this is happening to you. You are not alone in this.
I’m really sorry, that sounds very painful.
Don’t blame yourself for any of this. Your parents made you. That does come with a responsibility for being there for you, for helping you, e.g. when you feel awkward.
You could try this, if you meet him again:
spring.org.uk/2009/08/the-acceptance-prophesy-how-you-control-who-likes-you.php
Regardless of how your father treats you, know that you are worthwhile. You’re a good person, an important person.
Please take care
I hope this helps. I mentioned above that I wanted to weight in on this painful subject. Please know that you had nothing to do with the circumstances of your birth. Logically we all nod when we hear those words but what we do in our hearts is often just the opposite. I can’t do it justice, but their is an explanation for why we do this thing of faulting ourselves and downing ourselves for the circumstances of our birth.
From a man’s perspective please let me share about my “fatherhood”. I was married to a woman and a child came. I provided for him and did things with him, but I had little confidence that he was mine. This was before DNA testing was an affordable reality for most people, sigh. This doubt and pain made bonding with him deeply impossible despite the expectation that I “should” no matter where his DNA come from. “Should” and being able are different things.
I told that story to illustrate that maybe not even your father had much control of the circumstances of your birth. Maybe he did, maybe he didn’t. Maybe a relative or family friend might know and be willing to tell you about the circumstances our his exit out of your life.
Absolutely none of this your fault but it will be a challenge, should you choose to accept it, to find out how to see yourself as good enough on terms of your own.