I cant live like this anymore. I am paralyzed by fear and crippled by depression. All I do is suffer in school then sleep all day or get high on weed and lose time on games or youtube. I am just a fking joke. I have to stay, I just fking have to. My sisters are too young I cant fk their lives up just coz of my pathetic inability to cope. I am so fking creepy and I am just 19 years old I cant imagine what will it be like 10 years from now. I am killing myself when I turn 30. I cant live in such shame. I just want someone that isnt blood related to me to care… But I am just paralyzed by social fear. Its so fking pathetic. All the time I feel like I am about to start crying but the tears just never come, I havent cried for years.
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Within the grief you’ve got a drive to hold on, that’s something worth having. I’m 30 now and trying to figure out what about the journey towards health would have been useful at 19.
Any problem that can be clearly stated can be solved. Only one problem can be solved at a time. Most of the time the easiest problem to solve is the one that should be worked on, because momentum is so valuable.
As to crying, I still rarely cry. There are other ways for me to express sadness, writing is my primary outlet. Crying is just a physiological act, one that the western world conditions men not to do. It’s no judgement on you if it doesn’t work. Keep trying, keep fighting.
You aren’t pathetic, I’m impressed you opened up as much as you did.
School? I wish I was still in school. I was slightly above average. Everyone came to me for help. Then my “parents” got me kicked out. I’m 19 as well. I so badly wanted to go to college. I love learning. And anxiety….yeah. social anxiety. Separation anxiety. Paranoia. generalized anxiety disorder (although that one isn’t as bad as the rest. It’s almost non-existent) some days it controls me. I’ll want to go to the store and I’ll be already to go then my heart will start racing and I’ll say “nope not today” but overall I find the best way to help something like that is to not support the problem. I have a job where I work at night so I interact with very few people and over time I get to know them. After I know them it’s not bad. And I try to get out on my “good” days. The days the anxiety doesn’t bother me as much. I did some reading on anxiety and I found it’s nothing more then a really bad fear of something. Example my separation anxiety. I get scared when I’m away from my fiance. When I can’t see him. Or I don’t know where he is. But when I go to the store it’s about a five minute walk and I go alone. If my anxiety starts to kick in I call him. It might not work for everyone I guess. But for me fighting against the anxiety is my best way to cope. To show myself that not everything is bad. Social anxiety I have a fear everyone is out to kill me. Separation anxiety I fear I’ll never see him again. I’ve talked to strangers and they weren’t that bad I guess. I’ve been away from him and he’s always come back. But none of it’s anywhere near as bad as it was. Well at least no where’s as often.
Kind of a long pointless comment about me. Sorry about that. I just wanted to show you that I kind of get and my way of over coming it. I hope it helps a bit anyway. 🙂
Yeah I’ll be gone in a few months, I can’t imagine even ‘living’ until the age of 30, even a few months seems like forever.
I’m kinda slipping into playing video games again. I think about doing all these things but what is the point???????!!!!
Anyway I’m sorry I can’t really relate… you know I’m kinda just hoping some ‘miracle’ will happen, maybe you are that way too. idk.
Must be nice to have videogames. Spent so much money on them but dont have any desire to touch them. Nowadays i just keep the xbox on with some random game open to feel like im doing something
It seems to me the fear is only a problem when it keeps you from doing things you want (or might want) to do. If you look at kids before they become wary of other people, some of them are super curious, exploring the world. There’s a lot to be said for that, I think.
But yeah, the only thing that “works” is doing the stuff you want to do, even though you’re shitting your pants the entire time (not literally).
I’m only preaching this, it’s not like I do it. But I wish I did. I wish I did. It’s the only way, buddy. Or you can keep hiding and end up like me, 34, still scared, a vast catalogue of missed opportunities at the back of my mind.
The thing is, suicide or not, we do grow old and die. And I think it happens much faster than some of us anticipate. Until recently, I hadn’t really thought beyond “being young”. Anything after that hadn’t really entered my mind at all. Until I suddenly wasn’t all that young anymore. Then it hits like a ton of bricks. And the bricks just keep coming.
So yeah, dude, face your fears head-on, whenever there’s something you want. You’re a D-Day soldier, think of it that way, if it helps. It probably won’t remove the fear. But it might teach you to live with it. Fully.