Not even sure I deserve to speak

  December 7th, 2018 by heartlessviking

I don’t know if anyone can relate: I don’t feel like I deserve to be unhappy.

My biggest issue with being depressed is not feeling like I deserve to feel these feelings. I just got done with 4 months of highly productive therapy, we dealt with a lot of my anxiety, my self image and my relationship issues. It seems like, I should be happy. Or at least I should be content, but here I am.

I don’t feel like I belong, and I know that’s a symptom. Noticing that there’s a lot of self referencing…. sorry about that. It’s an issue that needs resolving, because frankly the only person who can resolve the self issues is this person, himself. It’s just tired of being tired, tired of having issues that defy resolution.

What even is the deal?! How can a problem present in a certain way, fit the description/diagnosis, respond to the solution and then adapt and re-emerge stronger? It’s not reasonable for anyone to solve problems like that, yet that’s the expectation for dealing with depression.

It’s okay. The heater is warming up the house, it’s about to start storming and I’ll stay inside and enjoy the warmth. There’s apple cider, tea and coffee. This is the process of coping: assess the assets and try to gather enough to offset the liabilities(the things that take from my life). It looks like there’s more that needs to be gathered, because feeling better is a ways off yet.

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