Some people just get lost in life. In the suicide of a member of the rock group Crowded house (I think it was the drummer) the leader of the group spoke out and said the guy lost his way in life. It ended in the guy being found hanging in a park in Australia. I don’t remember NOT being lost in life. I was lost from the word go. How I’ve held on for this long is miraculous. 2018 should have been the year I completed, now I’m gonna have to push things back to 2019. So lost, so fucking irreparably lost.
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Sad but true.
Being lost sucks.
I don’t think I started to get lost until around the age of 9, although perhaps I just didn’t recognize it before then. That’s when the fear started to set in. I don’t think it became really irreparable until I turned 20. That’s when I lost the ability to ever convince myself that I was a decent person again. The funny thing is, I look back at myself then, over a decade ago, and in many ways I’m so much more lost now. I passed the point of no return all that time ago, and I’ve just kept wandering ever further into the darkness, hope slowly draining out of me. I wonder where I’ll be if I live another 10 years. Will I even remember what it was like to feel really alive?
It’s impossible to tell if lost unless one has a firm grip on where they are going. I say all this with goals, a destination and plans that I am working through. That doesn’t give me anymore clue about what is around the corner.
It’s just as often useful as not though, and I’m not sure when something will be useful. Every now and then I find myself pulling a skill out that I worked out for a side adventure, one of my aimless side projects that never produced anything. Stuff was learned. On the other hand scars and injuries happened, some that may never heal. I’m not anymore lost than I was before though. I know the cardinal directions, and am navigating the best I can.
Well, I am lost too, I ‘ve always been lost. Right now I’m on a positive mood and I hope I ll stay that way but even though things are getting a little bit clearer I know I am going to feel suicidal again. It is just a matter of days. A week back I felt suicidal every day and most of my days so I don’t believe in miracles. But I do believe in small victories. An that’s what happening to me. I m always lost, I don’t know where I go, but I chose to go somewhere no matter what.
I was supposed to commit in 2012, been planning my suicide since 2006. Back then I was underage and couldn’t figure out a way to kill myself without a weapon, e.g. shotgun shell to brain through mouth. So I turned 18 and the plan of action was to go within the week of my birthday to the store and pick up my beauty, but I didn’t have enough money. I sold everything I owned and was still 100$ short. Then it just got worse and worse being put in mental hospitals every year and then I finally had enough money to buy a gun and they just took it from me a few hours before I was finally able to commit, I was 21. Well they say to wait and see if things get better and don’t act spontaneous when it comes to suicide but I had waited ten years and nothing got any better… then I started getting the cops following me and now I’ve been in jail since 21, about 5 times and that was only three years ago. I don’t even know how old I am….but it’s still my quest to buy a gun and shoot my self through the mouth aimed at brain, but I have other ways to commit should that fail. I was trying to commit all through the years but I’m in no hurry, I’m just going to enjoy as much of it as I can.. if I can, until something tells me to do it.. probably will be soon..