Back Again

I’m back. It’s been a while, a long time actually. I’m in college now, and I love it. It’s the most stress inducing experience ever, but the people here make it worth it. I was doing so good, but depression never really goes away, does it? I just don’t have the energy to do anything anymore. Getting out of bed is a daily struggle, eating makes me nauseous, and I cry over the most mundane tasks. I feel like I’m drowning, and I know all I have to do is swim up, but something is holding me down. I’m being pulled back into a tug of war with my own emotions, and I can’t quite figure out how to win.

I used to drink to numb the pain, but now my liver is so messed up I’m not even allowed to do that anymore. I have people here that will listen to my rants, but I feel like they don’t really understand. They don’t know what it feels like to pretend to be happy all the time. They don’t know that I force myself to laugh when I’m supposed to, because I haven’t actually laughed in years. They don’t know that all the smiles I give them are hiding what is happening in my brain. They don’t know, and I can’t make them understand.

My best friend is 600 miles away from me, and we have fallen out of touch. He made me feel safe. My parents are 75 miles away from me, but they never really knew about any of this anyway. They made me feel like I had something to hold on for. My sister is 100 miles away, she used to say my panic attacks were a cry for attention, until she saw me have one. She made me feel like I had someone I could trust. They are all still there, and I know that, but sometimes I just feel so alone.

I’m back, and I’m trying my best to stay positive, and survive. But sometimes I just think “why?” Why am I trying so hard? Why am I not dead yet?