I’m sorry but I have to go.

  January 18th, 2019 by n.retro_waver

I’m not sure how things will turn out. I’m not sure if people who know me will see this. But I’ll just leave this here, just in case…

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Hi all.

I’m really sorry.

The last few months.. No.. the last few years have been extremely difficult for me. I’ve been sick on and off. I was left without any idea of what to do. My options were gone, dashed with the end of art classes and painting. I couldn’t try and force myself into the resto+bakeshop seeing that things had changed so much from when I was there that it was dizzying just to try and keep up. Aside from how toxic the place has apparently become that you were forced out too.

I’m sorry I turned out a loser, a magnet for bad luck and failure, even my art – painting, comics didn’t want me. All those failures sting to this day and its something I always carry with me no matter how hard I try to leave them behind.

I used to think that there was still some hope that things would work out for the better, that things wouldn’t be so bad, that I could finally find a place or a situation that I’d be really ok in, ok with. 

I never wanted or dreamt of anything too fancy. Just a place where I and the people I’m with could be at peace.

Sadly that hope never materialized, and the way everything is going now, all around, it likely never will for me. Because thats how it has always been, how things have always turned out.

I’m tired. I’m so tired of smiling and pretending. Of trying to make small talk and jokes.

I’m tired of worrying and of being afraid all the time.

I hurt all over and in my head and no amount of medicating can fix this. Besides, all that medicating, therapy.. its just so darned expensive.

I’m really sorry to have become a disappointment to everyone.

To be dead weight that people don’t know what to do with or have trouble relating to.

I tried to hold on. I tried what the others were saying.. wait a few days.. wait a few days.. what’s a few more days to forever?

But things have not improved. I still hurt. I still feel worthless. I’m still afraid all the time and it’s so hard to feel at ease, at peace or to smile.

And I can no longer see any light ahead of me.

I love all of you, though I never verbalized it.

I love all of you, so I’m going, so that none of you should be burdened with me anymore.

I wish I had something better to leave behind. But being a loser all my life, I guess all I can give is to stop taking resources without giving anything back.

I’m really sorry.

I love you mom, little bro and little sis.

I love you K, and it was an honor to have known you and I’m ashamed to have taken up so much of your time. I hope you can forgive me somehow and move on since you have such a bright future ahead of you.

I love you all.

And I’m really sorry.

Please take care of each other.

Please take care of my cat.

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