Every day is the same. I spin through the same cycle of emotions. I long not to feel so alone anymore. To have a partner, a wife. Someone I’d want to spend my days with. Someone better than me. Someone who understood. A connection.
The truth is, I don’t deserve it. Nobody could see who I really am and still want to be with me. At least not anyone that I’d want to be with. It’s hard to imagine a woman on my level, but I think they’d have to be highly deranged, as well as repulsive, to be desperate enough to want me. Possibly a psychotic axe murderer? Maybe the character Kathy Bates played in Misery? But like I said, I’d only want someone better than me. Someone good. Something I don’t deserve. Which is not really how love seems to work. I wouldn’t want someone as worthless as myself.
And I tell myself ‘Well, you’ll somehow make yourself better. You’ll become someone you’re not ashamed to let others see. You’ll make yourself worthy of love.’ But I don’t really believe it. No matter how many good things I might do with my life, nothing will make my past acceptable. And I can’t see the parts of me that led to this shameful place ever going away. I may have changed my actions somewhat, but those drives within me are still present. Being conscious of how awful I am doesn’t really change that awfulness. I haven’t changed, not really. I just act a bit differently at the moment. Nobody aware of my true thoughts and desires could think ‘this is someone I want in my life.’
I’ll never be able to be really open with anyone (excepting a therapist who’s agreed to keep it confidential.) The most I could manage would be a sham relationship, deceiving someone into believing that I’m worthy of their love. And even then, I’d spend each day riven with anxiety, trying to keep up the pretense, fearful of my past catching up with me.
But that’s not what I want. I want something real. I want to feel a real connection with someone. I want that mutual understanding, someone I can be emotionally honest with. I want not to be alone with my experience of life anymore. And I think I’ve made it impossible for myself to ever find that.
And I don’t know how to stop wanting that. Every day, I’m constantly bombarded by reminders of people who seem to have at least some part of that, and the longing gets triggered. And I can’t see any real way to satisfy that. I have no real hope.
I’m still too afraid to end it. And for now, I don’t think I can sufficiently convince myself that it’s ‘for the best’ to overcome that fear. There’s all kinds of other motivations and interests that might be easier to fulfill during the remainder of my life, and that makes me doubt.
But I keep getting dragged back, day after day, to this impossible longing. It overshadows everything else that I try to focus on, eating away at the back of my mind. I don’t know how to live without some hope of fulfilling that fundamental need for real connection.
4 comments
Your post looks exactly like I would type it. I understand your suffering. Unfortunately I dont know hoe to help you. If I knew I wouldnt really be here…
I wish I could convince you that it’s not too late for you. From reading your posts it doesn’t sound like you’ve gone down the same path as me, at least not nearly to the same extent. I don’t know if someone could have convinced me of that when I was the age you are now, before I crossed certain points of no return. But unless you’ve crossed one of those small number of lines you can’t tell people about, then it’s not too late to become someone capable of connection.
You don’t realize how important it is to be able to share the truth about yourself with others, to be really seen, be known, until you lose it. It’s ok to be flawed, or weak, or even pathetic. All of that you can build new character upon, you can make right. People will accept a lot of mistakes in someone they care about. As long as you don’t have something unforgivable eating away at the foundations of that new character, then you still have hope.
But like I said, I don’t know if someone could’ve convinced me of that when I was your age and feeling lost. I can’t tell you how to deal with the daily issues you struggle with, because I didn’t deal with my own issues.
I completely understand. Couldn’t have said it any better. I also long for companionship though through friendships instead of a life long partner. Relationships with women are kinda overrated. The bond of brotherhood and relationships with other people is far better than landing a woman.
Left longing behind in 2015