low

today I feel the lowest I have in a while. today self injury crossed my mind for the first time in over a year. I craved the feeling of the razor on my skin and the blood dripping down my legs. instead, I left work early and treated myself. now I’m sitting in my bed, half stoned, having buyers remorse and feeling incredibly apathetic. I don’t really care about anything, I don’t care if anyone cares about me, and I wouldn’t care if I just sat here staring at the wall all night. all I truly want to do is sleep, but I’ve barely been able to do that these past couple of weeks. I am so tired. I think about all of the things I would change about myself if I could. I look up surgeons nearby for breast reductions, face lifts, and more. I can’t afford these things but I fantasize about being able to, so I might possibly not mind my body. I watch makeup tutorials, even though I don’t wear makeup, thinking that if I started I might want to leave the house more. I think about how I might not get very far in life. that I may end up alone. I get suspicious of my friends, for no reason. I just burnt my mouth real bad on my coffee. I feel so discouraged.