There is a theory in the christian circles, that the devil will give you whatever you want in exchange for your soul. Money, Women/Men, Fame and Luck, every glory you could imagine. How do you sell your soul? By doing a series of terrible, inhumane, soul-crushing things, until Satan determines when you’ve “proven” yourself. Now here is where the problem comes in, Lucifer is a 6000 year-old trickster and back-stabber, who knows the human mind like the back of his hand. The moment he knows he has you in his fingers; he will do all he can do to kill you. According to christianity, God keeps him from taking your life as long as there is hope you will turn to Jesus someday. Lucifer if unable take your life, will do everything he can to convince you to take your own life, so you can never turn away from him. That is why worldly fame and fortune eventually brings misery to actors, artists and musicians, businessmen and politicians, because once the devil gets what he wants from you (your soul), you’re a marked man. He will use every psychological trick to convince you there is no hope. Dave Chappelle thought he could escape the system (Make the money without doing anything “Satanic”), but after 12 years all he could do is take the money in the end and sell his soul. Little does he realize, he is now a marked man, and Satan will do all he can to end him.
Considering all this, I am christian (For semantics sake: I want to be a good christian but I’m failing). I am suicidal and struggle with anxiety every second. People have asked me why I want to kill myself if I believe in Jesus, and I am tired of telling them that “Christians have doubts too”. “Where there is life there is hope” the bible says, so why do I feel anxiety and struggle with suicide? I don’t know. I have tried all my life to use logic and reasoning along with my faith, and I spent a long time learning philosophy and science (Paleontology, archeology, evolution, physics, biology, astronomy, cosmology). I have reasoned with seasoned minds about life, people who struggled with suicide and gave up christianity for atheism. In all my search, I saw the world for what it is. I ball drifting in an immeasurable amount of darkness, going on the same path over and over and over again. I saw people for what they are, masks and puppets, dancing in a game so big our eyes can never grasp the full picture. I have seen despair, I have seen regret, I have seen pain, I have seen happiness, and felt them. I have watched men die in horrible ways without so much as a whimper, resolved and firm, as a knife slowly cuts through their neck and blood drips down their shivering chest. My logical mind cannot handle the information this world is giving. I’m not a good guy but I always believed that as long as I don’t kill myself I have a better than 0% chance of getting to heaven (You might not believe in heaven or hell but I would be happy to debate with you). But living the life I’m living is painful lol. Just yesterday, I dreamt about an uncle who forsook me and a girl who hates me (She doesn’t actively hate me but she wouldn’t talk me if given the chance). THAT’S THE POINT I’M AT. My mind can’t handle this, so much so that now I’m wishing even those who hurt me could be with me.
So I decided to weigh my options, either sell my soul and drown my pain is riches and women. Go to hell and burn for a significantly longer time. OR I could kill myself and go to hell for a significantly shorter time. But all this is just ramblings and logic and work. I want to live like everyone else, but not like this. I have the mind to change my circumstances but my fear is unbearable. Writing this I’m even surprised that I could gather my thoughts in such a brief text, because this has been years of thinking. Then again, I could never do all the terrible things I would need to do to “prove” myself, not if I had a logical choice. So I’d rather kill myself, than be part of system that encourages people to ruin their lives. Will I go to hell? 80% chance. Will I meet all the people who lived like kings on earth? Probably. Will I regret not selling my soul then? I doubt it because I’d be too busy burning. BUT I trust God is fair, he wouldn’t make me suffer like them, not for being a scared kid, who grew up without learning true love, who got knocked around for no reason, who was hated because he was a little smart and who made a dumb decision in a tough moment.
1 comment
Have you ever considered the idea that maybe there is no Devil? No God? No Heaven/Hell?
I’ve never seen this superbeing religious people claim to know. No alien ever visited our planet, nobody ever showed up with superpowers. So as far as I’m concerned it is nothing more than a man-made hoax.
We are beings who are a product of this physical universe made of atoms and energy. There is no other substance or form of energy outside our universe. Which means whatever we can detect with our senses and scientific instruments is all there is. Some people claim there’s another realm beyond ours-but if this cannot be proven scientifically then it is not real.
In some ways, the idea of a God/Jesus can offer some people comfort, or the notion that if you die and you lived the “right way” that you’ll live forever in a paradise or if you behaved badly you’re punished forever.
Don’t both these ideas strike you as being ridiculous and a childish product of the human imagination? Don’t we all wish we were rich because that’s the closest thing to a paradise?
It’s simply a projection of poor people’s desire who know they won’t experience wealth in this life so they hope they’ll get it after they die. And they believe they deserve it because they are more ‘ethical’ and follow “God’s will.”
The hope that bad people are punished is the other pole of this same wishful thinking, but that’s all it is, the desire to see justice because once again we know we live in a very cruel and unjust world.
Perhaps none of this makes any sense to you. When I was a Christian myself in my teens, I was not only blind to other ways of thinking because of my religious beliefs but in fact, I was told that non-Christians/Atheists were basically the Devil who is trying to tempt you away from God and not to trust them.
Once I began to doubt the claims made by pastors and other Christians, then it didn’t take me too long to realize that it is all a lie and a scam. Don’t get me wrong I’ve known some wonderful Christian people but it’s the ideology itself that I dislike. When I realized there is no God to answer my selfless prayers, then the whole house of cards of religion fell apart for me.
Sorry for the anxiety that you’ve experienced, I’ve had it as well. But I think all of us are better off seeing the world as it is, without the filter of religious mystification.
Going back to my earlier point, yes in some ways I really wish there was a God or a wish-granting fairy that could wave a wand and make your life better but the reality is that it’s just us humans alone in an indifferent universe.
All we have is each other and this planet and it is up to us to make our world and our lives better or worse. No superbeing is going to swoop in on a cloud-car and save us all.
In some ways, the God of the Bible and Quran are vicious tyrants and we’re actually fortunate they don’t exist because it’d be like Saddam Hussein watching, judging and punishing us. Thankfully we don’t have that problem.