Much of the time, I find myself wondering if I should end it, before things have a chance to get really bad. Because things can get really bad. Burning alive, ending up horribly mutilated. Spending the rest of your life locked up, facing torture & violent assault, or permanent isolation. Disabled and in agony and unable to move. Things can apparently get really fucking bad.
Perhaps I’m just a coward, or I’m hyper-averse to negative experience. Maybe those are both the same thing. But over and again I come across experiences that make me wonder ‘Is continuing to live worth risking this?’ And the fear of it hangs over me.
Now most of those experiences are rare. Not many people burn to death, or are drowned trapped in a sinking ship. Not many westerners experience the terror of war. Very few people in the modern age experience being torn apart by a pack of wild animals. Odds are I die of a stroke, or heart attack, or cancer, or any number of other unpleasant but mundane ends.
But the danger feels real. The fear is there. What if I get hit by a car next time I cross the street? What if I’m left permanently brain-damaged, unable to move, but in constant pain? What if something truly horrific happens and I don’t have a way to end it? What if my past catches up with me, and I lose my freedom to act?
I have no way to rationally weigh that danger. I know that it’s real. I know that horrific shit happens every single day. Things that leave even successful, happy, functional people begging for someone to put them out of their misery. That if we live long enough, we all end up incapacitated to some degree, and lose control of our fate. And a huge part of me wants to end it now – on my terms, in my way, calmly and with minimal pain, while I still can. On some level that feels like the sensible choice. So that I don’t find myself desperately wishing that I’d done so, when it suddenly becomes too late.
And yet, I’m not going through with it. I’m not doing the research I need, or ordering the equipment, or arranging my location. And when I ask myself why, all I come up with is more fear. I’m scared to stay, and scared to go. And still seemingly very attached to the idea of living, for some reason.
I don’t know if I have it in me to overcome that fear, and if I could if it would be ‘for the best’ to end it. I’m still emotionally invested in the possibilities of this life, though my prospects of any kind of fulfillment are dismal by anyone’s standards. I’m pretty much the lowest of the low, the guy you look at and feel glad you’re not him. Things at the moment are sad, frustrating, uncomfortable, and incredibly lonely, but I can still distract myself from it sometimes. I still have some level of control.
I wish I had some way of judging whether taking the risk of continuing to live, of things getting truly horrific, was ‘worth it.’ How would you even assess something like that?
If I’m going to move forward in life, I need some way of putting that fear in context – of being at peace with how terrible things can get, and resolving that I’m happy to take that chance. If I’m going to end it, I need some way of overcoming my fear of death, and of letting go of my attachments to this world.
I don’t want to be stuck between anymore.
13 comments
I think it’s good though that u value life so much and fear of anything bad happened.
I wish I kinda have a mind of fearing death more than want to be death.
my advise is just live for today and ignore about future that is unsure.
death and tragedy is unavoidable. so don’t live your live thinking about it. it will sure come but it’s unsure what will happened, and what will be the cause of your death.
Thanks, that’s probably the only advice anyone can give on this. I’ll just have to try to find ways to stop myself thinking about it so much.
” And still seemingly very attached to the idea of living, for some reason.”
“. . . but I can still distract myself from it sometimes.”
I could ramble on with my version of an answer, and I probably will to some extent (already am, apparently), but your own quotes kind of sum it up, in my opinion.
This is also something I ponder, the odds of ending up incapacitated vs the odds against.
All I know is that having a reason is important, even if that reason is a distant hope that things will soneday, somehow, be better.
I believe we are all attached to the idea of living, that none of us wants to die, as appealing as it sounds. How else do you explain the fact that we’re here, today? We are searching for a viable way of living and finding mostly frustration. Yet there’s that hope. . . didn’t someone say it “springs eternal?”
As for distractions, if there is no clear reason, then there are distractions. I believe those who commit have literally run out of distractions and reasons, for the most part.
I’ve worked with incapacitated people, and it is terrifying to hear their stories. The anguish and frustration. One man fell off a scaffold at his home and broke his neck, and is now confined to a power chair he operates through a breath tube. He’s expressed to me his desire to die. I can’t fathom what this man is enduring. And I fear what he’s enduring. Wouldn’t it be so much better and prudent to just end things right now, rather than take that chance?
Good quesrion, huh? Sure it would. But hey, maybe things will improve tomorrow. . . next week. . . next year. . .
Cripes. I told you I’d ramble.
Those quotes are certainly significant. I just wish I could find some way to focus on actually living a meaningful life, if that’s what I’ve decided I should do, rather than just hanging on to the theoretical idea of one. Instead I’m constantly getting sidelined by this overwhelming fear that I should be ending it now, before something worse happens. I used to be better at distracting myself from it, but the methods I use have become less effective over the years.
I feel like I need to work out some more concrete reason to justify to myself why I’m risking things getting worse. I don’t think a vague sense of hope is enough for me to move forward.
I think some of this may just be rationalization – that my ‘survival instinct’ tells me ‘I don’t want to die’, and then I search for reasons why that might be the case – things about life that I value. But even if all of my family had passed on, and I was older and disabled and unable to do anything I enjoy, maybe that instinct would still be there. That makes me wonder if it’s something I should somehow overcome, for my own sake.
Life should come with a user manual, detailing at what point it’s appropriate to shut the whole thing down and return to the manufacturer for disassembly.
But God, that fear of extreme suffering. I’m not saying that it’s worse than the experience itself, but it’s so utterly pointless. And yet I can’t seem to loosen it’s grip on me, even recognizing how counterproductive it is. I guess maybe all I can do is try and learn techniques to cope with it. And possibly try new drugs.
words are powerful things.
Indeed
Try the drugs. It’s probably the only way the users manual would make sense, but what do I know.
Hmmm, any recommendations? I hear MDMA is good for expanding a sense of universal perspective. Unless you have a bad trip, which is apparently pretty hellish.
Nope. My drug days are history, and never got more exciting than the basics. Pot, coke, acid, etc. Acids fun, it’s just so technical and time consuming. There should be a microwave acid – all the effects, but you’re done in an hour.
You’re a good writer Husk, your thoughts are well-organized and linear so it makes it easy and desirable to read and to understand what you’re trying to say. Not that I expect it from anyone, I’ll still read their post and offer my advice despite how poorly they write if it catches my interest, but it’s nice when people put some effort into writing well. I also like AgentQ’s (sp) posts.
I fully agree with you, there are many terrible ways to die but once you are dead that pain and suffering is over. Most of us just coast through life without giving it much thought, otherwise, perhaps we’d get paralyzed with fear and not want to leave the house.
I personally practice safety wherever I go. How I drive, the times I go or come back to my place, etc. When I was in my early 20s, I was more arrogant and stupid. I took dumb risks but thankfully I learned better since then.
In the past I’d get mad at people who’d try to start shit with me but now I just avoid trouble at all costs. It’s not because I’m a coward but because I know if I engage with that crazy person it could open up a can of worms and who knows if I get into a fight then end up in prison, even if I was just defending myself. Of course in the case where I’m being attacked then obviously, I won’t have any choice but to fight for my life, but that’s an exception.
As for the rest of us, you have to put those fears aside and just live. If you become a statistic, then you’re not alone, that’s life. I live in Canada and it’s pretty safe overall, I’m in my mid-40s. I’ve had some very rare run-ins with some bad people in my past, but most people are nice and don’t cause problems.
The key is not to obsess about incidents that will likely never happen to you because the odds are so low. And you have one major advantage over the normal person, it’s that if you do end up in a bad situation, then you’re open to the idea of committing suicide, just like myself.
You’ll be surprised how many people out there have never once even given it a thought. Some follow religions which tell them suicide is evil so they hang on till their last suffocating breath or die in other painfully slow, miserable ways.
At least people like you and I can see that freight train coming at us and decide, “yes the time definitely has come to hit that exit button” before I end us paralyzed in a hospital bed or in my case I never want to be homeless, so if I see that in my future with no hope at all of avoiding it, then it is adios muchachos for me.
Thanks to my parents (despite the fact that I hated them for many reasons including being of modest income), that I experienced a great childhood and early adult life and it wasn’t all bad either. So I know what a good life really feels like and that I can have it again if I play my cards right.
If all I knew was suffering throughout my life, while I saw others being happy and if everything I tried failed to make my life any better, then I probably would’ve ended it sooner.
I’m glad in your case that you realized you need to make a change, either to really live like everyone else or walk away from it all, but at least you know now it’s not worth it being stuck in the middle. I’ve also been in the middle of something that hasn’t worked out for me so far, so I’m going to make a real change for the better in the next few months.
The funny thing is that one reason I keep living is that I at least want to experience some things I missed out on. In a way had I got that out of my system I might’ve not been as interested in continuing to live.
Thanks, I appreciate that.
I think perhaps the most terrifying thought is to have something like that happen to you, but for it not to finish you off. To be stuck with say, severe burns all over your body, in constant pain, unable to end it, for years. The fear does paralyze me a lot of the time, but I don’t really know how to dim my awareness of it.
I don’t drive, mostly I use public transport. Pretty much every time I’m in a car I end up visualizing a crash. I know that’s something I should overcome, but I don’t quite know how.
I know the odds of any one specific kind of incident are low. But every time I’m reminded of one, the fear just grips me, and I start feeling like I should look for a way out. For instance today, it was listening to a podcast about the sailors who died at Pearl Harbor – how some were trapped in the wreckage for days before dying, and others were left completely burned to a crisp but still alive, wandering like zombies through piles of body parts. The chances of something like that happening to me are near zero (I certainly don’t plan on enrolling in the navy.) And yet, every time I’m reminded of something like that, I start feeling maybe should end it now, just to make sure.
I tell myself that I’ll try to be prepared so I can end it quickly if I ever feel the need. But there’s so many situations where that power could be taken away, and that terrifies me. I guess that’s something I need to find a better way to live with.
I hope you find the fulfillment you’re looking for.
My pleasure. Certainly the possibility of having horrific injuries is there, but if we went to war knowing that our bodies would be torn to shreds by tanks and machine guns and we might actually still end up surviving in extreme pain and agony, few people would want to fight to defend their country and the enemy would annihilate us more easily (if we all refused to fight back).
Do keep in mind while you think about such things that will probably never happen to you, you could also focus on other subjects that could help to get you where you want to be in life and that’s one way to block it out. Another is to simply occupy yourself with awesome movies and tv shows.
Regarding the navy, ya totally I’d never want to be in a situation where I’m trapped but still alive and knowing I’ll die from starvation or something else. Actually dying of oxygen deprivation would be good, while you’d panic for a few minutes, once brain-death sets in, ofc it’s over and aside from the suffocation, it’d be painless otherwise.
There are definitely far worse ways to go and I agree with you, being burned alive would be possibly the worst (apart from being tortured to death by a serial killer or enemy soldiers).
I’m a believer in having your own suicide pill as they do in spy movies, so if you’re a hopeless situation you take your pill and you’re gone within a minute or so. We should all be allowed to carry one just in case we’re in a collapsed building (say from an earthquake or terrorist attack) or get kidnapped by a psychopath and know we’ll never escape.
But the trouble with that is it can be easily used to “take out” other people and make it appear like a suicide. So it’d have to be made foolproof first, even if it could be legalized.
Yes you just have to reign in your overactive imagination and realize that there is risk associated with everything you do and to dial down that fear response to coincide with the activity you’re engaging in.
Even taking public transit carries some degree of risk but the odds of something really bad happening is negligible. Plus there are always safety measures to protect people.
“I hope you find the fulfillment you’re looking for.”
Thanks kindly and likewise.
Thank you for writing this. I have lived with those kinds of fears and to that degree. Our logical minds know these are rare incidents but our hearts fear just the same. I have no idea how she did it but over time my shrink got me to accept a different perspective on the horrors that can happen but rarely do. She pointed out that I will almost certainly have the option to exit in the future just as I do now. Of course loss of the option is one of our biggest fears but she has been able to persuade me deep down that it is an unlikely loss. I hope she is right.
So these days I only rarely “awfulize” about those unlikely but remotely possible terrifying incidents. With very little awfulizing going on in my head these days I find myself functioning noticeably better in life.
I tell myself that because I can now concentrate on the present better than than ever I could be more able than ever to off myself if I really needed to. With the kind of clearheadedness I seem to be approaching towards these days I could see myself better able than ever to make a go decision if, the big word here is if, if I really needed to go.
Perhaps clearer thinking will be my biggest ally for not only giving the most to life but also for getting out of life, should that become the best, only, and final action to take.