I wake up and think “oh my gosh…another day I’m obliged to live! IDK what to do with my life. I’m so depressed. I wanna be alone and sleep all day. If I die and when I have no one to bury me.”
Then I get up and get distracted with a lot of bullshit others say is important. I force me to get interested in sth and other people and do stuff I need to do.
At night I think “finally this day is over and I can stop pretending”.
This is my day :/
I peel myself out of bed between 7:30 Am and 10:30 AM, get dressed, take meds, get coffee.
If it’s a day I have stuff outside of the house, I go get in the car and drive to wherever I need to be first. Most days that’s college. I get there at least 10 minutes before the start of class. My first class every day is 1-1.5 hours. Then I get a snack (unless I ate before my first class). Second class, then third class. Some days I have one class. Errands…
Then I go home, but I’m usually not done there. I have several hours of reading and homework to do.
Take care of animals and house cleaning. Collapse into bed between 10pm and midnight most nights, an hour prior to that I take my night meds..
In between all of this I write for fun, play games, watch TV in the background while I work or socialize with the family. I stay pretty busy.
During break time I usually do independent study for half the day and the rest of the day I’m lazy. I’ve been working for 9 days straight at this point, so I’ll be very willing to take a day and be nothing….
It’s a different kind of depression when I’m active like right now, the fatalistic kind that I am trying to hold off collapse. No one seems to realize or care… which is whatever, not their job. I’m 9 days away from seeing a therapist again.. it is his job.. we’ll see how well he does it.
At the moment I’m holding back suicidal and depressive thoughts with thinking about how close I am to getting some real rest. I also keep thinking about how far I’ve come, there was a time I stayed home and moped for 3-20 days at a time.
I’ll usually 1) Wake up from a nightmare -sometimes incubus or succubus – sometimes sleep paralysis – sometimes just dumbness
2) Try to shake off the paralysis
3) Smoke a cigarette
4) Think about when and how I will kill myself
5) Think about the things I used to enjoy doing but can’t do anymore
6) Grab a meal
7) Think about how much I hate myself and the whole world
8) Think of when and how I should kill myself again
9) and smoke 15 more cigarettes
That’s all … every day in its entirety the last 5 years.
I really just need to get around to it I had planned the suicide to be aug 1, 2012…. been a long useless while I think every day id prefer to have committed.. nothing good about being alive here.
I wake up at 5:00 a.m. and stay there for about 5 minutes and think to myself “another day….” *sigh*… then I get up and sit on my bed for another 5 minutes and try not to cry because for some reason I need to cry every time I wake up… my room is dark. I have pitch black curtains that block the light out and I sleep with no lights on at all. So the darkness makes it feel like I’m in a black hole almost. It’s quiet and lonely just the way I like to be. Then I dry my tears put my hair up in a bun put on a hoodie and some jeans and put my rain boots on. Especially because it’s been storming where I live lately. It’s cold and lovely outside so that helps me motivate myself to get up. I brush my teeth make myself a 24oz cup of coffee. Then feed my dogs and I’m on my way to my college by 6 am. I’ll usually blast out music, like Sleeing At Last, or just singable music so that I stay awake during my 1 hr and 30 minute commute. Although sometimes it’s a little tempting to let myself drive off the road and die. Once I get to my class I usually get there at 8:40 am… then I have a break from 10:50am to 1pm and have my next class at 1pm-3pm and I get home at 4:30pm. On my drive home i usually get another coffee… and cry the entire way home because i just get sad … the. If I have hw I’ll do my homework but if not I’ll feed my dogs right away of after homework is done. I’ll probably grab a snack (I don’t eat much and somehow am still ugly). Just coffee. I’ll make another coffee. And then go to bed by 6:30 pm or 8pm because I lock myself in my dark room and go numb from crying all day. That’s my regular basic day.
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I wake up and think “oh my gosh…another day I’m obliged to live! IDK what to do with my life. I’m so depressed. I wanna be alone and sleep all day. If I die and when I have no one to bury me.”
Then I get up and get distracted with a lot of bullshit others say is important. I force me to get interested in sth and other people and do stuff I need to do.
At night I think “finally this day is over and I can stop pretending”.
This is my day :/
I peel myself out of bed between 7:30 Am and 10:30 AM, get dressed, take meds, get coffee.
If it’s a day I have stuff outside of the house, I go get in the car and drive to wherever I need to be first. Most days that’s college. I get there at least 10 minutes before the start of class. My first class every day is 1-1.5 hours. Then I get a snack (unless I ate before my first class). Second class, then third class. Some days I have one class. Errands…
Then I go home, but I’m usually not done there. I have several hours of reading and homework to do.
Take care of animals and house cleaning. Collapse into bed between 10pm and midnight most nights, an hour prior to that I take my night meds..
In between all of this I write for fun, play games, watch TV in the background while I work or socialize with the family. I stay pretty busy.
During break time I usually do independent study for half the day and the rest of the day I’m lazy. I’ve been working for 9 days straight at this point, so I’ll be very willing to take a day and be nothing….
It’s a different kind of depression when I’m active like right now, the fatalistic kind that I am trying to hold off collapse. No one seems to realize or care… which is whatever, not their job. I’m 9 days away from seeing a therapist again.. it is his job.. we’ll see how well he does it.
At the moment I’m holding back suicidal and depressive thoughts with thinking about how close I am to getting some real rest. I also keep thinking about how far I’ve come, there was a time I stayed home and moped for 3-20 days at a time.
Definitely not the same as it used to be
I’ll usually 1) Wake up from a nightmare -sometimes incubus or succubus – sometimes sleep paralysis – sometimes just dumbness
2) Try to shake off the paralysis
3) Smoke a cigarette
4) Think about when and how I will kill myself
5) Think about the things I used to enjoy doing but can’t do anymore
6) Grab a meal
7) Think about how much I hate myself and the whole world
8) Think of when and how I should kill myself again
9) and smoke 15 more cigarettes
That’s all … every day in its entirety the last 5 years.
I really just need to get around to it I had planned the suicide to be aug 1, 2012…. been a long useless while I think every day id prefer to have committed.. nothing good about being alive here.
Get up, go to school get back home, smoke some weed, play games, watch youtube, repeat.
I wake up at 5:00 a.m. and stay there for about 5 minutes and think to myself “another day….” *sigh*… then I get up and sit on my bed for another 5 minutes and try not to cry because for some reason I need to cry every time I wake up… my room is dark. I have pitch black curtains that block the light out and I sleep with no lights on at all. So the darkness makes it feel like I’m in a black hole almost. It’s quiet and lonely just the way I like to be. Then I dry my tears put my hair up in a bun put on a hoodie and some jeans and put my rain boots on. Especially because it’s been storming where I live lately. It’s cold and lovely outside so that helps me motivate myself to get up. I brush my teeth make myself a 24oz cup of coffee. Then feed my dogs and I’m on my way to my college by 6 am. I’ll usually blast out music, like Sleeing At Last, or just singable music so that I stay awake during my 1 hr and 30 minute commute. Although sometimes it’s a little tempting to let myself drive off the road and die. Once I get to my class I usually get there at 8:40 am… then I have a break from 10:50am to 1pm and have my next class at 1pm-3pm and I get home at 4:30pm. On my drive home i usually get another coffee… and cry the entire way home because i just get sad … the. If I have hw I’ll do my homework but if not I’ll feed my dogs right away of after homework is done. I’ll probably grab a snack (I don’t eat much and somehow am still ugly). Just coffee. I’ll make another coffee. And then go to bed by 6:30 pm or 8pm because I lock myself in my dark room and go numb from crying all day. That’s my regular basic day.