I have this unrealistic childhood dream which I should have given up years ago but for some reason I cant. Its probably (definitely) just an addiction at this point. It is time to become an adult and give up on childhood fantasies but I just keep prolonging it on and on and on… I cant accept the fact that I failed and move on… but soon there will be no room to procrastinate… The responsible adult life always seemed so unappealing to me but I need to get used to it soon or I am not going to survive… But that means radically completely changing the way I live because nowdays it has gotten to the point where Im almost 20 years old but living the life of 12 year old boy. I am ashamed for all these wasted years. What have I done OMG. What am I doing with my life.
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I feel like I should stop posting here… I post too much and my problems are too trivial… I feel like I use up space on this site which is supposed to be for someone else.
I don’t think your problems are invalid, especially since they lead you here…
Becoming an adult is a difficult experience.
It’s certainly not a trivial.
I tend to read your posts – maybe because I can relate to some of what you’re going through. I think they’re as valid as anyone’s. There have been times when I have posted frequently too. If you feel like you’re depriving other people of publicity, you can use the Read More tag, which looks like a hamburger with a dotted line in it.
Suffering, can push you back some years. Suffer enough and it will all go to waste. But you are smart enough to know earth is a poisonous shell and all life is meaningless, correct? It’s all a perception but still quite the sh*tty thing to have to perceive . . .
My childhood dream was to commit at 18 by gunshot. I like to pretend that the time hasn’t passed and nothing has changed, because when I get around to committing all those years will be erased anyhow.. nothing else really bothers me just waiting until I feel the time is right to commit.
You still have time to turn things around. You aren’t even 20 yet. I know someone who is 26 and still lives with his parents and is still on their car insurance. Doesn’t pay his bills and doesn’t work. Now is the time to make changes and you have been working on quitting smoking which will go a long ways in changing the way you think about things
I have been working on it but sofar managed only one day… Wanna try full week since tomorrow (how many times have I said this to myself I dont know… This time I really wanna try it seriously). The weed is the main thing which keeps me blind in this childfantasy illusion. The thing is it is tempting to stay there with hope of my real dreams becoming true. But I just need to get over it and find another passion…
When I was addicted (smoked 4 or 5 years daily) – only smoked because I couldn’t commit at the time – I once quit for 90 days to get my tolerance down (I wasn’t getting very much from the high) – it wasn’t bad but I was very much idk bored – I don’t think I left my house much so I just sat in bed and watched tv just ticking down the days until I could smoke again. When I did get high again it wasn’t like the first time, but it was ok. Now I’m forced to quit by police (idk but someone somewhere god knows who ratted me out) so Idk I might try over time to move somewhere where it is legal. Pretty much all I stayed alive to do, only entertainment I had.
Ye I smoke daily for like 2 and a half years. I dont feel much tolerance problems I have couple of bong bowls and Im high af every day. Sure weed isnt psychedelic like when I started with it but thats OK. Police are fkers. Im a bit paranoid atm coz I havent recieved my drugs (X,coke, and acid for recreational usage- Im not addicted to those like weed just once a couple months to have fun) for a long time so Im scared they found it in mail… Some fking policedogo… I probably wouldnt go to jail but it would still suck big time…
I relate to your post. Childhood trauma, like you had, like I had, does set us way back. Then when we see the need to start trying to be emotionally adult like and cope in ways that the normies do it is almost overwhelming to see just how far behind we are and how much head work and change is involved in being more or less normal. Few people realize how hard we have to work just to be normal.
I havent experienced that much trauma really to be honest. I mean ye my dad is a bit insane, manipulative and sometimes abusive but no one has perfect parents and I never was raped or anything like that… I am sure many people had it much worse than me and managed to recover with enough hard work.
Let me see if I understand, and please correct me if I am in error – I should probably also say I suck at empathy, so I’ll likely sound direct/matter of fact; however, I mean no disrespect, and I am simply trying to understand a bit better. –
So… You have a dream. A dream in which you have, for reasons of your choosing, allowed yourself to call the very reality of into question. Doing this has spiderwebbed beyond your dream and into the world around you, so now you begun to call coincidental aspects of your life and its perceived reality into question. Now you find yourself at an impasse of uncertainty.
If what I wrote above is at all accurate… I can not help but to ask, if I may… What was this reason so profound that it caused you to give away such a tremendous amount of power, a power that is one of the few given to us in life which is ours to control, in order to allow your dream to (almost) be destroyed?
Sorry I dont understand anything you just wrote. I have just had a dream once but now its clear that that dream is unattainable for me at this point so I need to give it up and grow up.
Yeah… my writing, much like my thought process, tends to be abstract. • All of my randomness was just me trying to say:
Nothing can kill your dream unless you allow it. If you want to give up on it, that is 100% up to you, but don’t make excuses about why you did it. It was because you chose too. Again… that’s fine, but if you want to move beyond it you can’t distort the truth of it all.
On a side note… Can your dream not exist in the future? I mean… can’t you keep your dream alive AND grow up in the meantime if that is something you feel you need to do? There’s still, in theory, a lot of livin’ to do, and every day has something new to offer if ya’ look hard enough for it. You never know when you’ll find that something which would bring your dream to life after all.
Cant grow up and keep it alive coz growing up means giving up on impossible fantasies. Im sure everyone had something as a child like Im gonna be a pro baseball player or smth like that. Then when you realise it is not possible for you, you need to get over that and there is really no way of bringing that back to life. Its just what it is.
Well… even though you and I hold different views on the topic, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. My goal was to learn, and not force the way I see things on ya’.
That being said… since I now have a better understanding of your views, as well as what you choose to/not-to believe, all ll I can do at this point is to extend, to you, a hope for wonder and joy and a wish of genuine happiness along whatever path that is placed in front of you.
Thank You for your time and candor.
I thank you, bud.