I’m so burnt out right now on office time. Everything that can be done to make it tolerable has been done, to no avail. My concentration is going to shit, I’m fatalistically frustrated. Earlier today I threatened to destroy one of the two main members of the problems in my life.
An Ultimatum:
Me or the US health system. One of us has to bend. I’m doing everything I can to function. We’re pouring hundreds of dollars a month into insurance, doctors, therapists, and oh god the medicine. The insurance has made everything more stressful and expensive. They’re worse than useless, they’re harmful. Yet… America, land of the enslaved.
I don’t think I could kill the American health care system, not that I’m against trying. There are plenty of us miserable with it, I know because I spent a significant amount of time at the pharmacy listening to them.
Anyway, 11 hours 30 minutes to deadline one, 23 hours 30 minutes to the next and then 4 days 12 hours to the next deadline after that… ah, I might actually get some rest this weekend. If I have to I’ll work the next 12-18 hours straight, this is after 17 hours awake and trying to work thus far. I worry about what this might do to my health, but I worry more about what not doing it will do to my career, so there we are.
I keep telling myself this will be the last time, that in the future I’ll plan ahead. I don’t know though, I said that last time this past sunday night. Lack of sleep is one of the clear things that led to me having a nervous breakdown and ending up in the hospital, so it’s concerning that if I don’t get some real sleep soon I’ll crack. There’s no such thing as being smarter than physical limitations….
I’m not feeling horribly worth saving right now. If I were to crack and hurt myself frankly I don’t think it matters. It’s this career or disability, which to me is social and life goal death. Everyone keeps saying about how smart I am, but I wish I was smart enough to paint myself into a corner like this. Maybe it’s a strength issue… I’m very tired right now, not even emotional about the threat of impending collapse, just lightly concerned…..
I don’t even know why I’m expressing anything. Maybe because I can’t talk to anyone in my life about this, not for another week anyway. Lonelyness, sleeplessness, what a perfect storm of stressors! I’ll just have to push hard on self care….. hope that works.
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I was hospitalized once oh boy that was a gigantic waste of time and my bill came out to 36,000$ for 28 days. No treatment whatsoever (but I don’t believe in it, at all, I’d still kill myself any day over popping a pill and being doped up) of course I gained 70 pounds on 4 months of medication (the real disgusting antipsychotics that do all harm and no good) and then to my surprise, I was OBESE. Luckily I started to cook and walk and lost it 3 years later but now I can’t do much walking anymore and I’ve fallen back into eating bad, but without the pill in my system I shouldn’t be gaining weight THAT fast. Lucky for me, I don’t buy into healthcare scams and I don’t anticipate having to participate in buying insurance. I haven’t been to the doctor since a kid and I can’t say medical assistance has ever done much for me. I’d choose a holistic approach any day. Of course the system forced me into the hospital. Dunno why, guess they just wanted me to take their pills. See how much harm they could do to me before my suicide.