Day after day, I return to the recognition that I don’t know how to live with myself. With my reality. With the awareness of what I’ve done, and what I am. There is no honorable life for me. The closest I could get seems unbearable, and I lack the conviction for it (I cannot explain). I think I would rather die than follow that intolerable path – it seems easier.
There would be little honor in my death either. But it’s still probably what I should do. And yet I don’t. I ask myself why, and what comes back is fear. Why fear? Because I lack the conviction that it will truly be the end? Because I fear that my essence will somehow persist, trapped in a state of torment, regret, and isolation? Is it that I fear making a mistake over the largest, final decision that one can make? Or is all that just rationalization, masking pure unthinking survival instinct? Regardless, I think I lack the conviction necessary to overcome such fear.
Which leaves me stuck here, with nothing to make the suffering and struggle of life seem worthwhile. I’ve made it impossible to form any kind of real connection, with anyone – any kind of relationship based on truth – because of who I am, and what I’ve done. I am utterly alone, even if surrounded by those who care about me. I am morally, psychologically, emotionally alone. Existentially alone. I cannot explain. And yet still I crave for connection, for what I’ve made impossible.
I long to feel some greater meaning in my life, beyond just the fear of death. But it is hard to see one, when all that lies before me is isolation. No partner, no children, no real friends, no connection, no community acceptance. No noble calling seems sufficient to fill the gap. There can be no integrity to anything I do anyway. Even continuing to live is a form of deception.
At times I feel that I want to do something towards preserving this world of ours. But it’s so hard to retain motivation, when you know that anything that you do achieve will be for the fulfillment of others, which you yourself can never experience. When you’re hopelessly broken yourself it’s hard to maintain meaning in the thought of helping others who are whole. But I want to invest meaning in something, and if it’s not possible for my own life then I suppose it has to be in the well-being of others. It’s just difficult to feel enough motivation to do anything remotely productive. Most of the time I’d rather try and just numb it all away. I don’t know.
I suppose it makes sense to try and make whatever peace I can with my complete isolation, and with my fear. With how bad things are, and how much worse they could get. I just don’t really know how. There’s few guides for what to do when you’ve sunk as low as I have. Suicide or confession seem about all that’s on the table, and I lack the conviction for either. Beyond seeking whatever palliative distractions I can in this world, I suppose all that’s left is to hope that I’ll be granted peace, or the gift of non-existence, when death does finally come. An eternity of torment, isolation and regret is hard to come to terms with.
22 comments
I always say this you and I’m gonna say it again regarding this post, this is a mirror image of my life, absolutely identical. The line “there would be little honor in my death” is excellent, poetical, this is a site for suicidal discussion so I digress evaluating literary ability but I had to draw attention to that line. Keep up the excellent writing!
Thank you, though I’m sorry for you if this feels identical. I think that may be largely due to the details that I leave out, but I don’t like to think of others in a similar state. There’s very few who could’ve done as much as I have to deserve such an existence, and to be so hopeless without that seems horribly cruel.
“Or is all that just rationalization, masking pure unthinking survival instinct?”
I like how you put that, and I believe it is. Survival instinct is powerful stuff.
As for expending efforts to help others, to improve life for others, it can provide incentive to remain, in a round about indirect way – the whole “giving is receiving” way. Maybe focusing your efforts and energies along those lines might help. It works for me. Just a thought.
See, thinking that it’s just survival instinct makes me feel it’s something I really should overcome. If the fear isn’t based upon anything rational but is just blind evolved instinct, and has no bearing on ‘what’s best’, then it’s not something I should be letting dictate my actions, as an agent wanting to make the best decision I can. If only I could sufficiently convince myself that that’s all there was to it, then I’d know what to do.
Of course, that presumes that I really am free to do what’s best, rather than being trapped in life by my own subconscious. That’s a horrible thought – that I’d rationally be sure that it’d be better to end it, but be unable to actually enact that conclusion – to exercise my will over my own body.
I think I’d need to find some way to invest any altruistic work with greater meaning in order to maintain it. I did a lot of volunteering in the past, but it never really connected with me in terms of motivation. Though I may have had some small positive effect, it ultimately felt empty. I think I’d need to figure out some way to connect whatever I did in my mind to something bigger than just individuals.
Hey husk. I agree with Rainwatch when he mentions he feels almost identical to you.
I too feel identical to you even with you mentioning your response to Rainwatch; exactly.
However, I’m still alive. I survived a short prison sentence before and a short stint in the mental hospital.
I am beyond fucked. But here I still stand.
But it’s okay, I am trying to start a business and so far I’ve closed a couple sales and had a person call in recently for more info.
Business is kind of slow and I don’t have much funds and am becoming more unemployable but I think from it I have decided at times to take life on. No matter what one has done or what the situation is.
Trying to help others is what I want to do to and there are times I just sit at home and don’t move that whole day but I try again. I tell you my story so it because it might be a little different even if it feels a bit the same. We are all a bit different.
It’s good to be here to discuss these things. I’ve been suicidal many times.
You got any goals?
Goals are hard for me. Maintaining a sense of meaning in them over any period of time just doesn’t stick. I have desires, most of which seem impossible and pointless to pursue.
I think you’ve made far too much of whatever deed you did. Some people would take the opposite view and say “ok I effed up real bad but thank God nobody knows about it or only a few people” and then they’d move on with their life.
Whatever you’ve done, most people will treat you as a normal human being so long as you don’t give them any reason to distrust you. If I was in your position, I’d keep that deed to myself and only share it with someone who I truly trust-if I felt the need to tell someone. But I’ve learned even those who claim they’ll keep your secrets almost never do, I only trust myself.
You speak as if you’re wearing a billboard that lists all your crimes and everyone can see them. Obviously no one has a clue unless you’re famous or you disclosed it. The fact that you regret your mistake is also a healthy sign-psychopaths never have regrets. You did some bad things, it’s time to bury it now, regardless of how horrible it was.
I know you are smart enough to know you should be able to walk away from this issue of yours. But you hang onto it some form of self-persecution that you feel you deserve. Ok if that’s how you feel, so be it. If it was me, it’d be water under the bridge and I would’ve moved on with my life ages ago no matter how bad it was. I got many other bigger problems to deal with than obsess about something I did and can’t undo.
I’d done bad things, people have done bad things to me, live and learn. I’ve had a few brushes with death and also made some incredibly dumb decisions that nearly could’ve got me in very serious trouble but I was very lucky and I was able to avoid it largely through being lucky.
What I’ve realized is that when I get emotional, esp when I’m angry, I’m obviously not thinking rationally and that’s when I’m most likely to do something stupid. So over time, I learned to shut up when I wanted to yell, to walk away and to wait out my own emotions and situations which normally tended to calm down or sort themselves out.
Of course there are situations where you can’t walk away and when you have to defend yourself because no one else will-but most of the time if things get heated, then it’s best to avoid confrontation as much as possible.
Anyhow, I’m just trying to show you one path out of the trap you’ve put yourself into. You were a different person whenever you did what you did, then you changed. So don’t persecute the good version of yourself, for what the bad version did. Life is passing you by and you’re isolating yourself because you feel like you’re a horrible monster.
Sometimes we are our own worst enemy, other times, people hold us up to a standard of perfection they’d never hold themselves to. Each position is unjust and excessive, find a middle ground that is fair to yourself.
Maybe it’s your pride/ego, you hold yourself in such high regard you can’t imagine you did something so bad and now you must pay for it. Time to see yourself as a regular human who made mistakes and get back to living a normal life.
excuse any repetition or grammar mistakes, I didn’t thoroughly proofread
The thing is, it’s still a huge part of me. I’m not a significantly different person. I haven’t really changed. I might be channeling it in slightly different directions right now, but honestly, that could easily alter if my resolve dips enough. It’s not that I’ve truly ‘learned from my mistakes’. It’s not ‘in the past’. I’m just making slightly different choices right now, based on my circumstances.
It’s not a part of me I think I can change – I really have tried. No matter how many times I resolve to shut it out, it keeps coming back to the forefront of my mind. So, morally speaking, I should probably confess and turn myself in, or kill myself. But it seems I lack the conviction or motivation for either.
I don’t wear a billboard, but it’s hard not to let the shame and fear of it bleed out into my social relations. I’m not a good actor. I’m hypersensitive, and bad at containing my emotions. It’s easy for people to tell there’s something off about me, though most try to be kind despite that. People can tell what I think of myself from numerous subconscious cues that I struggle to control.
But even if I could go through life convincing everyone that I’m a decent guy, that still leaves me mentally and emotionally alone, living a lie. There’s no real connection possible – no intimacy – so any relationship loses it’s meaning.
I’m not planning on telling anyone – it could be catastrophic. I don’t think I could ever trust anyone to keep that secret – they might feel it was their moral duty to tell others. I’ve told a couple of therapists, but only after they made it explicit that they’d keep it confidential, and even then I worry about it coming back to haunt me.
But that leaves me utterly alone. I don’t want to go through life only trusting myself, and deceiving others into trusting me. I want someone to know me. I want connection. I want emotional intimacy. I want to be able to invest meaning in relationships.
I’m not a psychopath, just a garden variety awful person. Part of me regrets it, part of me want to do it again. The balance could tip, if I don’t maintain that resolve. It’s not a part of me I can bury (I’ve tried), and it’s not a risk I should take, morally speaking. But I can’t really explain, without going into details. This isn’t a ‘good’ version of me, just one that’s acting marginally less badly at the moment.
I don’t really know if I should be able to walk away from this. Part of me wants to, but like I said it keeps coming back into my mind. And a large part of me doesn’t think I should be able to move on, even if I could put it behind me, after doing something like that. That I shouldn’t ever experience happiness again. And that gets constantly reinforced by the messages society gives about people like me. So it’s not like I’m over-exaggerating the significance of it. The world pretty much universally agrees – I deserve to burn in hell. I’d have to be a psychopath not to let that affect me.
I’m sure your approach is smarter, healthier, more adaptive. I just don’t know how to let go. The stuff keeps coming back into my mind, no matter what I try. Therapy did nothing. I guess it’s about the meaning I attach to things. No matter how many times I resolve to leave it behind me, it keeps popping right back up.
We’re very different people. I don’t know how to be like you. I don’t have your disposition, your temperament, your experience of the world. Your way is undoubtedly better. But telling myself that doesn’t actually seem to change anything for me, though as always I appreciate your input.
My thing is not anger, or confrontation. It’s something very different. And waiting it out doesn’t seem to work. I’ve tried. It just builds.
Pride/ego plays a role, in that I don’t know how to live with the shame of it. But only because it’s not something any regular human would do, or should be able to live with.
The Husk, I want to pour a gas tank over my body and light myself on fire.
I’m not feeling it’s a good thing how much you dislike it to feel the feeling of being so badly alone.
If I were you, I’d learn to not be trusting to others. You can’t trust anyone but yourself.
For sure, happy to help. Well there are some morally unacceptable behaviors but people still do them, like those who marry their cousins for example or other such “temptations.”
I’m fairly open-minded, so long as no one is being abused or harmed and there’s mutual consent, even if I personally find the behavior to be wrong, I’m not going to treat those individuals like they’re Charles Mason but then I probably wouldn’t be good friends with them either and I’d rather not know tbh, if they kept it to themselves I think that’s fine.
That’s really your solution, is to just keep it to yourself and live a double-life and find a way to not feel guilty over it. Where I draw the line as mentioned is if anyone is being harmed or deprived in some way, that I could never support.
The trouble here is with you thinking that others have some right to know what you do in your personal life (and will judge you harshly for it) but they don’t, that’s only in your mind.
Sometimes I’ve felt anxious/fearful and worried over things most people don’t really think about. But I’ve been able to talk myself out of it and then those feelings usually disappear. So we do have some control over our own emotions.
You can change how you feel about your situation if it is warranted and lead the double-life as I mentioned, many people do. If it is something truly evil then therapy/drugs might be the best way to deal with it.
Again, it’s not something I can really explain without going into detail. It’s complicated. It’s something that’s linked to potentially harming others, but in a very diffuse and hard to pin down way – it makes me complicit, without really being able to see whether my past actions had any actual impact whatsoever.
It is something that others would have the right to know, before they got involved with me personally, and it is something people would judge me harshly for (rightly.) To use your example, suppose your partner had a past where they’d married their cousin, and they were still secretly in love with them, and they never told you any of this. You’d feel devastated if it ever came out, right – like your trust in and relationship with them was completely false? In some ways my thing is much worse than that.
As I said, I don’t plan on telling anyone, but it’s very difficult not to feel guilty about it – I should feel guilty about it. In part, feeling guilty is a way of trying to stop myself doing it again. But it also cripples me and hinders me from moving on in day to day life.
I agree we have some input on our emotional state, but for me attempts to control it are pretty hit and miss. Talking myself out of anxiety rarely has any effect on the actual emotional state. It’s like trying to put a band-aid on a gaping wound. But people are wired differently.
I would say it was something truly evil. Multiple attempts at therapy have had little impact. Drugs might make a difference, but only at a level that I think would make my quality of life far more intolerable.
Did you hammer brass nails into another’s neck?
@cause-of-death-suicide
I’m afraid I’m not totally clear on your meaning. Burning seems like an awful way to die. Why would you want to cause yourself such extreme suffering?
I suppose it’s not good for me to dislike the feeling of being completely alone, but I don’t think I can help that. I crave connection. I think it’s a common human need.
I think trust is something you build with others. Without it, life seems pretty meaningless (to me anyway.) You can’t ever be 100% sure of another persons mind, but you can build trust and invest faith in it. Unless you’re in my position.
No, I’ve never done that. I think it’s probably a bit less bad than that, though many might disagree (perhaps depending on who’s neck it was, and whether they deserved it?)
I’ll try to keep it short, while I believe people do have a right to know if someone has STDs or is running from the mafia for instance, but so long as it doesn’t present any direct threat then it’s up to the individual and I guess this is where you and I differ.
I’m simply able to keep my secrets to myself. I guess I’ve seen how people behave when they know the truth about something embarrassing or bad about you, that they never react as you would hope and then you realize you were better off not telling them at all.
Fortunately, I don’t have any of those ‘deal-breakers’ that I mentioned above, so I have nothing I feel I must disclose to those I meet. Plus any problems I’ve had in my past is none of their concern unless I wish to share that info.
As for the cousin analogy, if it was in her past, then I don’t care to hear it. If she’s still seeing him then that’s a threat to my relationship and I do have a right to know. If what you did happened ages ago and will never happen again, then if it was me, I’d keep it to myself.
If however it’s ongoing and you might present a risk to someone then they do have a right to know. But that’s just my own assessment and you’d have to decide for yourself. As I mentioned before I don’t care to know what your deep dark secret is and you don’t need to explain it to me if you don’t want to. I just found this topic interesting that’s why I replied.
I’m going out on a limb here, but if you are doing something ‘truly evil’ as you said perhaps you should be in a supervised situation, like an institution-if you feel you are unable to control your bad behavior? That’s for you to decide, I’m just putting the idea out there.
If for example someone had OCD which made them harm others and they couldn’t control themselves, then they’d be better off seeking out professional help then to carry on with their behavior until they got in trouble with the law, since the consequences would be far worse than simply voluntarily turning oneself in and seeking medical intervention.
It’s closer to the cousin thing than the STD thing – not a direct physical threat to them, but something someone’d have a right to know. It’s complicated – somewhere in between.
It’s possible that I should be in an institution, but I’m fairly sure I’d rather end things than go through that. There’s enough question left in my mind as to any actual harm caused by my actions to justify taking the risk of not doing so. As for trouble with the law – that could happen at any time anyway, due to the past. I’m trying not to step too far out of bounds at the moment, but I honestly may slip up at any time. It’s not a risk I should take, morally, but it’s one I can just about justify to myself.
“No partner, no children, no real friends, no connection, no community acceptance. No noble calling seems sufficient to fill the gap.“
This might just be my favorite part of being alive here. With no one pulling your strings you are free to come and go as you please. If I ever ever had any of those things I would not be able to go and make my dreams come true. I wouldn’t be able to end my life. It would just be someone pulling your strings back. It would be to me like empty regression and no forward movement.
You could try to ‘preserve the world’ for the future generations, but that seems like a mighty task. And why would you want to do something so mighty? The others are not important, they will just all die anyhow after taking their lives for granted. God can provide them the basic minimum and they can suffer the rest of the way.
“Even continuing to live is a form of deception.”
Continuing to live is not something I would be doing right now if I could find a way around it. I don’t fear it (suicide) much, I fear being unable to commit as much much more evil. It might be I don’t have the conviction or it might be that I fear it. It could be that I’m not quite ready (although I’ve really had the most terrible, pathetic, meaningless life and it’s only gotten more disturbing.) It might be that my method of choice is not readily available. I think I’m ready to commit after waiting and trying to get it all perfect for 12/13 years. I know that when you commit it’s all worth it to not wake up to live to see another day.
I could commit now, I don’t know why I don’t. I guess I kind of see it like waiting for the spindle to run out of thread before I finally do it. Nothing in the outside world could cause me to spontaneously commit suicide or even affect me at all, I have to ease into it little by little. No, I do not see myself continuing to live into the future and no, I never have. But it doesn’t matter and it’s never mattered to me. I wait for the spindle to run out of thread, I guess I’ll get situated in the next few weeks. Wait for the candlelight to sizzle out. Then say hello to suicide again and see if she is ready for me.
It’s getting easier, though. I used to fret all day thinking I’d never get a good opportunity to commit. That I’d never be strong enough to end my life. I think I can do it, but I still need to work and plan harder.
Perhaps if you had some of those connections, or found them truly meaningful, your dreams wouldn’t involve ending your life?
Everybody will die, but perhaps some will live worthwhile lives. That’s a good thing. That has significance, if anything does. I don’t know about God, but it seems this world could benefit from a great deal less suffering. It sounds like you’ve experienced more than your fair share. Saving the world would indeed be a mighty task, but a part of me would like to try to make it a little better, if only I could maintain the motivation.
I don’t really understand how your situation prevents you from ending your life if you’re truly determined to do it, but it sucks if your situation is that desperate and you’re still trapped within it. Perhaps it is just blind survival instinct for all of us. I don’t know if that’s something we can overcome, and if so whether it’s something we should overcome.
Do you think there’s anything you might still want to do in your remaining time before the end?
No I’m not like that, my one and only dream has forever been to kill myself. Like I said I have every available moment to kill myself and I could whenever I feel like it. I guess I’m kind of trapped by fear, but I ultimately planned to end my life 6 years ago (before ever crossing into “Adult” life)
I tried to think of anything I might like to do, I used to have a lot. Now I’ve got nothing at all.
I’m just waiting for the right time to commit, been like this for 6 years straight praying it doesn’t get worse before I can commit…
Hey COD:S, I noticed, as I am wont to do, it is just a peculiarity of mine, that another year has passed since you first knew you plan to leave on your own terms. I was not sure if I should say happy birthday, offer my condolences, or say nothing about it. Well, consider yourself acknowledged.
Just another depressing year. Ya I don’t like to remember but always remind myself that it’s been a whopping total of 6 terrible years since I was supposed to have finally got release from my sick life….
Reading your post made my soul felt a little lighter. I was immesed on your writing and poetical aspect of our lives. I felt as we were one even if I we have never met I feel like I know you from the heart.