I’m still stuck in the same old loops. It seems that I’m too afraid of death to end it. The rationalization for that is my lack of certainty that death is truly the end. I fear my consciousness somehow persisting, trapped in a state of regret, despair, and torment. I don’t believe in a soul, rationally speaking. But my emotions seem to think otherwise. I lack conviction in my materialist atheism.
Of course I’ll have to take that leap at some point, but I suppose I want to put it off for as long as I can. The idea being that perhaps there’s things that I could do in the remainder of my life to reduce the regret or torment that I might feel afterwards, and reach a state of greater fulfillment and peace. Which often seems completely delusional, trapped as I am in my dysfunctional cycles. But I suppose I also lack conviction that there’s nothing that I can do to change things. My hope isn’t sufficiently dead yet.
But that leaves me here, trying to work out what I should do in an attempt to find greater fulfillment and peace before death. And I don’t have any faith in any kind of redemption narrative to follow. I’m not prepared to expose myself to any great suffering in this world in the hopes of some salvation after death. If things get bad enough here, I’d still rather take the risk of death. Things just aren’t bad enough, yet.
I feel I should do something to try and find fulfillment, happiness, love. That I have to somehow change myself, to make myself worthy of it. But I also don’t believe that there’s anything that I could do that would suffice. No matter what I do from this point, I will always be a terrible person, contaminated by the evil inside me. I will never be able to let anyone see the truth without them being repulsed & disgusted.
I feel that I should be seeking out a real connection with someone – an emotionally honest relationship. I want that. I want someone I can be real with. But I’m also terrified of getting involved with anyone.
The thought of telling someone the truth seems like an unacceptable risk. I can’t see anyone reacting with anything other than justified shock, anger, & disgust. And if they told anyone, as they might feel morally compelled to, the consequences could be truly devastating. I don’t think I could ever bring myself to take that risk.
But the idea of allowing someone to get close to me without telling them the truth also seems wrong. The thought of deceiving someone I care about so fundamentally feels unacceptable. And it’s not what I want. I want someone to really know me – to care for me. Not some deception I’ve constructed. I want emotional closeness.
I have no idea how to resolve this fundamental conflict, of feeling that I should be pursuing connection and an emotionally honest relationship, but also that it’s impossible, and that the risk of letting anyone close see the truth of me is not something I can tolerate.
I’ve been stuck with this going round and around my head for years. I don’t know how to move forward. I don’t feel I can tell anyone close to me the truth. I don’t think I want to deceive anyone into loving me and live a lie. And yet I feel somehow I must find some way to love and deep connection. That I should be doing something to make it possible. I have no idea…
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Do you believe that if you move on to another existence/state of consciousness you will retain memories of this life?
I suppose that’s the fear – for it to really be ‘me’ it would need my memories. Or perhaps just that I’d somehow retain the regret/state of unfulfillment after death – like some sort of emotional residue. I fear being trapped in that state, unable to change anything, as some kind of hungry ghost. Or possibly that I’d be confronted with what I’ve done in life and punished for it. Or tormented by malevolent/vengeful forces.
And I don’t really believe in any of that stuff, rationally. But I guess on some deep emotional level I do. Perhaps it’s instinctive, or perhaps it’s things I’ve absorbed from the culture. Or a guilty conscience. There’s just this abiding sense that what you do in life has lasting consequences for your consciousness after death. And I can’t seem to shed that fear, much as I’ve tried to reason my way out of it.
That makes sense. I was raised catholic, and still carry residual fears from that insanity. I’ve often felt that moving forward as a conscious state of energy, or reincarnation as it were, wouldn’t be such a big deal as long as there are no memories from previous lives. It’s difficult enough to deal with regrets etc. in the here and now. I can’t imagine carrying regrets forward. It’s a difficult fear to overcome, but I’m becoming convinced that when the brain dies, so do the emotions and thought processes it manufactures, leaving . . . either energy in some unknowable state, free from human fear, or just dark, tranquil nothingness. Here’s to tranquility.
Yes…although in that case, it’s difficult to say in what way it would really be ‘you’ moving forward, if it was stripped of all your emotions, memories, motivations etc. If it’s just ‘conscious energy’ produced by your death, but otherwise unrelated to you.
I’m likewise rationally pretty convinced that when the brain dies, so do the emotions, thoughts, memories, what we experience as ‘being us’. But a part of me just doesn’t trust that perception.
I do hope for freedom from fear though, and peace, either through transcendence or the gift of nonexistence.
Once is spot on describing the Catholic religion as insanity,. I was also raised Catholic and the word insanity is the only apt word to describe the Catholic religion!
Catholics do seem to have a history of enforcing their beliefs very rigidly through social structures – schools etc. Which is not to say that most sects of Christianity (and all religions generally) don’t have their share of absolute nutters.
Yeah you get it Rainwatch. A true cult if there ever was (is) one.
A few years back I arrived at the conclusion that when the brain dies, so much of what we experience and are goes with it, and it was literally a thousand pound load off my chest. The possibilities really opened up for me – all the old programming will be gone, the thought processes also.
Of course, who really knows.