Sometimes I wonder if I’d have those sorts of thoughts if I had got a PhD in nuclear physics. I probably would. “Geeze, I’ve wasted how many years for this stupid piece of paper on my wall? Damnit, I could have been playing video games and drinking beer that whole time!”
I suppose life is wasted when you’re not paying attention, no matter what it is you’re doing. There’s always something else you feel like you could have been doing. Should have been doing, while you were too busy to notice the days slipping by you.
So to answer the question, yes and no. I do and I don’t care so much. I’d feel the same way regardless of how I spent my life.
I have accomplished a lot in my life. I’ve made a name for myself. I’ve worked as hard as I can to be the kindest, most loving and caring and generous and LOYAL as friend as I can be. I’ve done a lot of public speaking, a lot of one-on-one counseling, a lot of writing and online activism, a lot of SINGING. People sometimes express amazement at all the things I do. But there’s tremendous emptiness in my personal life. No love, no happiness, not even a little meaningful companionship. I would gladly trade all my accomplishments for a little human connection.
I have this gnawing feeling a lot that I could have done more. I always dreamed to have a PhD in medical science but I threw that dream away. I could probably never do that much now that it is too late for me, but I still try to do more. I try to do at least what I can and be more involved in important matters in national and universal sphere. Sure, all I might ever do is drink and write but I’m still doing best I can.
Sometimes I do. I have a lot of regrets not because of things I didn’t achieve more about all the time wasted because of depression, where I was alone, drunk not doing anything. I wish I could have done something, anything, even the smallest of things like tidying my room or read a book but instead all those moments are only defined by pain and inaction. Panic is the only constant feeling I know so it makes me lose friends and the fact I don’t do a lot against it is also wasting me life. I m wasting my life on a daily basis but I hope it’s not irreversible. I’m 22 and my father died of his illness at 32. Maybe 10 years is what I got. It is very long for a suicidal girl like myself but it is short at the same time. I never enjoyed my life. I don’t care about giving my life a meaning because to me human existence has by definition no fucking sense. All I want is when I die, to be able to say ” well the beginning was a fucking parody of a Greek tragedy but the ending was fun”.
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Sometimes I wonder if I’d have those sorts of thoughts if I had got a PhD in nuclear physics. I probably would. “Geeze, I’ve wasted how many years for this stupid piece of paper on my wall? Damnit, I could have been playing video games and drinking beer that whole time!”
I suppose life is wasted when you’re not paying attention, no matter what it is you’re doing. There’s always something else you feel like you could have been doing. Should have been doing, while you were too busy to notice the days slipping by you.
So to answer the question, yes and no. I do and I don’t care so much. I’d feel the same way regardless of how I spent my life.
I have accomplished a lot in my life. I’ve made a name for myself. I’ve worked as hard as I can to be the kindest, most loving and caring and generous and LOYAL as friend as I can be. I’ve done a lot of public speaking, a lot of one-on-one counseling, a lot of writing and online activism, a lot of SINGING. People sometimes express amazement at all the things I do. But there’s tremendous emptiness in my personal life. No love, no happiness, not even a little meaningful companionship. I would gladly trade all my accomplishments for a little human connection.
So YEAH, sometimes I feel like I’ve wasted my life.
I have this gnawing feeling a lot that I could have done more. I always dreamed to have a PhD in medical science but I threw that dream away. I could probably never do that much now that it is too late for me, but I still try to do more. I try to do at least what I can and be more involved in important matters in national and universal sphere. Sure, all I might ever do is drink and write but I’m still doing best I can.
Totally!!
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Sometimes I do. I have a lot of regrets not because of things I didn’t achieve more about all the time wasted because of depression, where I was alone, drunk not doing anything. I wish I could have done something, anything, even the smallest of things like tidying my room or read a book but instead all those moments are only defined by pain and inaction. Panic is the only constant feeling I know so it makes me lose friends and the fact I don’t do a lot against it is also wasting me life. I m wasting my life on a daily basis but I hope it’s not irreversible. I’m 22 and my father died of his illness at 32. Maybe 10 years is what I got. It is very long for a suicidal girl like myself but it is short at the same time. I never enjoyed my life. I don’t care about giving my life a meaning because to me human existence has by definition no fucking sense. All I want is when I die, to be able to say ” well the beginning was a fucking parody of a Greek tragedy but the ending was fun”.