There’s only so much one person can cry in silence and still have others constantly treat him like he’s the rock. like he’s the strong one who will live out the storm when he;s the one crumbling more and more.
i took my tears and made them into strength. so now what am i but a berserker searching for a purpose. i have no pride and none is allowed for me. how many doors have i shut.
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I’ve had to fight my way through some hellish times in my life that would break many people. There’s no harm in crying over suffering. It’s a good way to let off some steam and it helps you reassess your life and determine what really matters to you.
I can’t speak to the issues in your life since I don’t know them, but for me, I keep living (for now) because I believe my future will be better than my past or present. I am working towards improving my life and to make up for the pain and suffering I experienced in my past because I was poor and missed out on great opportunities (for many reasons).
If however I’m convinced my future will be worse than what I’ve already been through with zero hope or chance of getting to the level of happiness and success I desire then I will work on my exit plan.
The thing with suicide is that it’s hard to do. To let go of this life and the entanglements that keep us bound up with it like family, friends, goals, desires, and the things we like about life. Once one can sever these links then there is little to hold us back except the fear of botching up the attempt.
There are days I wish I could just “pull the plug” on my life but I don’t want to just throw it away without at least saying I tried since I’ve barely done anything so far to make it better.
So that’s where I am today, the fork in the road where either my life improves dramatically (and I believe it can) after I put some effort into it. Or where I fail or that I find even after my attempt I’m no better off than I was before.
I have to say that this site really has helped me to hone my thinking on this topic. I’ve never had greater clarity on this subject than I do now. Also thankfully I have nearly zero attachment to my family now.
In the past, I kept living largely for them but I realize I don’t care for them as much as I thought I did and I think the feeling is mutual. Meanwhile, my friends were never a factor before nor will they ever be, they’re nice to have around but they are not essential to my existence.
Tbh, the only thing I still have an interest in is finding a significant other. If I meet a great girl then she’ll be reason enough for me to keep going at least for a while longer. I’ve had some decent relationships in the past but they fell apart for one reason or another.
I feel I’ve missed out on this part of my life (mostly due to being busy with education/career) so it’s something I’d like to make up for. I just don’t want to have kids unless I was doing really well financially. I wouldn’t want them to go through that crap I had to suffer through.
It sure is. there was a period of several years where i found i’d lost the ability to cry and this was more painful than words can express.
One of the biggest obstacles for me is the crushing weight of regret and feeling that my life could have been so much better if i just had or hadnt made this decision or that. it sends me spiraling into a careless depression and then i screw something up and then become even more melancholic so that the cycle repeats until i become furious and either become motionless or enraged (these states can be positive or negative each)
I woke up today with tears in my eyes. i guess i slept too long and too deep and some dark emotions were conjured up from the bottom of my subconcious. It was a beautiful day so i went for a jog, bought groceries and talked with my mother.
i feel much better. I hate that back and forth from crushing regret to divine hope but i am right their with you in believing i can turn my life around and reach the summit i was meant to see.
the hardest part is holding on when you lose hope and not falling into despair and anger.
sometimes all that religious talk makes a lot of sense to me. it may be wrong all together but there’s still plenty of truth in it.
anyway thanks for replying soda. you sound strong. i’m sure you can achieve your goals. and there’s always someone out there for us. we just have to find them. that’s what i think
Happy to help, I’ve appreciated your thoughtful responses on my posts as well.
Sorry to hear but I know what you mean. I look back on past events and cringe for not being able to see myself through the eyes of others, esp when I experienced depression during high school. I really should’ve kept a lower profile than to try to pretend to be something I wasn’t.
I think of the times where I was not prepared for big changes in my life and how I still refused to wake up to reality, though my world was crumbling around me. Of course, eventually, I did smarten up and worked to fix my life but it was always when things got pretty extreme.
As for regret, another emotion I can really relate to. It used to eat at me for years, the major blunders I made that set my life on a different, worse course. Missing great opportunities also bothered me as much as my mistakes.
It’s odd I’ve mostly stopped thinking about such things, I didn’t forget but they don’t have the same power over me as they once did. I’ve been able to contextualize those events and just accepted them for what they are and to know I can’t change them. I’ve just learned to try to fcuk up less than I did when I was younger.
They were bad decisions when I knew better and I should’ve stopped myself but did it anyways and then paid a heavy price for it after. As for the missed opportunities, it was fear of rejection/lack of courage that stopped me from asking out some very attractive girls who had clearly shown interest in me.
I also missed out on a couple of really good job opportunities that would’ve changed my life for the better but because of other issues going on in my life, I had no choice but to turn them down, only months later realizing what a mistake that was.
I hear you, it’s a great idea to get out and do activities. For me, it totally changes my mindset and I plan to join the gym when I can because exercise also makes me feel better and stronger both mentally and physically. Though I have some other priorities to deal with first.
Thanks AgentQ, I try to be strong but like you, I also have my down days and I just do my best to ride them out. I find that eating/sleeping right helps to stabilize my emotions.
If religion works for you that’s great-I personally have no interest in them. I’m into science, philosophy, watching a lot of shows/movies and that helps me while I work on reaching that next, higher plateau in my life. Hopefully, I’ll pull it off by the end of this year.
As for finding a significant other, I know I won’t have too much trouble, esp when I get back into shape. While I’ve complained here about being unhappy with my looks, it’s because I’m a perfectionist but I’ve been fortunate in that women I consider to be attractive usually tend to feel the same about me. Not always, but once in a while, I’ll get that spark with some cute girl.
I still have some major things to sort out with my life first and then when I have the time, I’ll start my search. I hope you’re able to find what you seek as well, not just with mental peace but progress in your life and an s/o as well.
One last point, for a while I was trying to avoid stress, pain, anxiety in my life but I realized I just can’t escape it completely. Even if I end up doing great in my life, I’ll just have other stresses to deal with so I’m trying to just take it in stride since all of us have to deal with many of the same issues and we can’t really escape them so long as we’re still around. Best of luck.