another

this is exhausting
what am i supposed to do
honestly i feel closer than i have ever been , yet i feel like ive said that many times before
i feel extremely guilty about even acknowledging that but at the the same time time i feel a moment of relief in the thought
honestly I don’t know what im going to do, ive lost all progress.
the only thing holding me back is the fear of hurting my parents by going through with it, its also all that i have left
but at the same time the weight just gets heavier by every moment
I don’t know how to deal with my emotions, it hurts without pain
I don’t understand this, i never have, but now i feel like im even further from an answer than ever before
and yet i don’t want answers, opinions, a happy ending or a gratifying life
i just want relief
I personally don’t want to die, if I could have it any way I’d choose to never have existed in the first place
but that’s obviously just a dream
I’m so lost and i don’t understand what decisions im supposed to make
nothing makes sense, it never has but now that im 21 and im watching my peers, friends, family members move on with their lives
i feel this pressure/anxiety, like i need to make a choice before im forced to give in
that’s not what i want either, if i choose that route I want it to be a peaceful passing
maybe that’s just me trying to justify it
maybe its because i don’t know what peace feels like anymore
i don’t want anything anymore
i have nothing in me
im so tired