Maybe I’m just a petty *****, but I’m starting to run out of things that I truly can’t live out without. Family is something I can do without most days, as it feels like they just press me and nag me to do things that I don’t want to do anymore. Then the guilt of thinking such things presses me even more than they ever could. Friends? Once again, take them or leave them. I yearn for real conversation, but I also can’t do it. I drop hints, then lie about being fine. It’s a mess, but then again I’m here. The only real things that I live for are my music, and my summer job. It’s up there that I truly feel that I do have a family, one that I can feel welcome in.
It isn’t the summer, though.
That’s why this feels so fucking petty. Maybe I’m just being an emo ***** and lying to myself about my feelings. I’ve never been diagnosed, so I’m at a loss. I’ve been discouraged by my family to seek therapy, as it “doesn’t help”. I’ve thought of suicide more and more often over the past year, which scares me. I know that there are people depending on me, and at the same time I probably won’t ever do it. I’ve never harmed myself, unless you count starving myself. I deserved that though. I’m too fat, so mirrors are my enemy. Fuck, I’m getting off topic. Anyway, I don’t know what to do. Stuff is ramping up on all sides. The only safe haven is when I have my headphones on. But that’s a double-edged sword, isolating me until I can’t reach out anymore. I look at people and they either don’t see me, or just get a fake smile. Can someone help?
3 comments
Hi BabyBlu,
I am sorry that your family doesn’t believe in therapy, because it would be great for you to seek some medical help and just talk and vent things out with a professional.
Some friends are only there if you are okay and that fucking sucks, I always hide and pretend that I am feeling so fucking amazing to everyone. One thing that really helped me make some nice friends that really cared about me was apps. There are some apps for people who want to find friends based on their preferences, so maybe you can find someone that enjoys the same kind of music that you do.
Stay strong, you are not alone.
I cant live without weed. Although I am aware that its only shallow temporary escape from reality and therefore I probably wouldnt recommend it. But shallow escape still better than nothing and despair… I at least have something to look forward to every day you know, even if its just getting high… Also music feels even much better.
Here’s a tip, the people don’t matter. Never rely on them. You only have yourself in this life. Sure, you could seek therapy, I’m sure this might be how it plays out for you. The psychiatrists (really, sleezy h00kers, dressed up to play like they are professions, but really just sl*tty housewives playing house) will come up to you and tell you that you are mental.
Wow, thanks Mrs. H00ker that helped so much. Then you’ll never see that wh0re again.
The only thing I have to live for is my suicide.