I’ve Lost Everything

Every time I have been faced with multiple options for decisions, I have picked the wrong one. Every. Single. Time.

Ten years ago I decided to go to a school that was more expensive than my family’s socio economic status because I thought the investment would pay off and I would get a good job. I had a great experience, but everything came to a screeching halt when I graduated, was hit with my first student loan debt bill and I found myself unable to find any sort of entry level job in my field.

I made the mistake of staying in my home state, which isn’t rife with job opportunities. I took any job I could even though none of the jobs I worked related to what I wanted to do. I lived in a string of apartments and none of them truly felt like home. Due to stress and poor judgement over the years, I racked up a damaging amount of credit card debt that I am still hustling to pay off today.

After leaving a toxic job mid-2018, I thought I was making positive strides and taking the steps necessary to get my life back on track. I ended up getting a new job offer and settled into an apartment in the city for easy commuting convenience since I don’t have a car (haven’t been able to afford one yet after living alone for so long). I thought I had finally found the change I was needing.

Two months later, I was let go without notice, on the basis that my performance on the job wasn’t wowing the staff. Although I had given it my all and always listened to feedback, it wasn’t enough. I didn’t improve fast enough and even though I feel I was the person out of everyone in the office that needed the job the most – I was put on the street and out in the cold with only a Whole Foods paper bag to hold all of my possessions.

I don’t have enough of an emergency fund to get by, and unemployment does not give me enough to be able to afford my bills and rent each month. I have been applying to jobs every waking moment during the day – I’m literally glued to my cellphone screen – but for every 30 applications that I send, I’m lucky if I hear back from one. And if I hear back, then if I manage to get an interview – it is me against 10-20 other applicants. The odds are just overwhelmingly stacked against me in every single way.

As I continue to apply for jobs and try not to panic, I cannot help but wonder if my life would have been better and easier had I made different decisions. If I had gone to a cheaper school or hadn’t gone to school at all. If I had moved somewhere else with better job prospects and landed jobs back when I was young enough to build up into a stable career easily. If I hadn’t ever touched a credit card and lived below my means. Who would I be now? Where would I be now?

Right now in reality, I am lost and broken. I can’t make any major changes on my own – I am at liberty to whether the spinning roulette wheel of job searching happens to turn in my favor. I don’t have enough money to go back to school and I don’t want to incur more debt by taking out more loans.

I can’t move back home, and there is no one I can turn to for help. I feel as if this world is built only for those who are rich, well-connected, or talented (or all three) – and I have none of these advantages. Things have only gotten continuously worse for me over the years and I don’t think things will ever get better for me, I really don’t.

I wish the me now could die and never come back – replaced by someone better – without anyone noticing. I honestly wish someone else more worthy can take over my life because I clearly don’t deserve it and I am not good at maintaining it.