A mentor of mine said something pretty revolutionary to me; “Learning is pain, one cannot exist without the other.”
It upset me at the time because of the intimate relationship that I have with pain, and my job is essentially to remove pain from people’s lives, or at least bring it down to manage-able. So why do we hate pain so much, and if we hate it so much why do humans expend effort seeking out situations that cause them pain?
It’s been bothering me for awhile about people who have toxic families. Beyond a certain point family is a chosen relationship the same as any other. It seems like that’s remove-able pain. Knowing that, I still have family that pains me, but not on the level that I can stand to live without them. Why stay though, if the pain is so severe, if the family provides no support?
Early on I did take this strategy with my depression, out with toxic people. I had no energy for them. Yet slowly and surely pain crept back into my life, most of it created or sought out by me. Why do I do this? What’s the point?
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It is because of comfort zone. The fear of the unknown. Even when your current situation sucks your brain still prefers it over uncertainty because… evolution… But once you break pass it you can slowly get comfortable in a new, better situation!
Also it is important to note that without pain there would be no joy, without downs there would be no up…
My “family” raped and molested me. I’ve been trying to leave so I’d never have to see them again for a decade. I can’t get the funds to leave, they’ve already raped me, I don’t feel there’s any way I cannot commit.
But to answer your question, I hurt myself because no pain is worse than the pain inside. I have a lot of pain, anger festering in my heart because I planned to be dead already and I’ve been trying to kill myself for 13 years… but people are grouping up in order to step on me and force me to be alive. “Oh just take a pill sweetums” I don’t cut because I’ve always been afraid of that feeling of a thin blade breaking skin. That is not the type of pain I am seeking, such a small blade, maybe a steak knife would give you more lusty cuts. The pain I seek is a bullet to the brain.