i’m so lost. i don’t have any other way of describing it. i’m not the same person i used to be. not a happy kid looking forward to the next day. i just have so much trouble enjoying myself and separating myself from this anxiety. i feel like i hate everyone now, myself included. growing up really did a number on me, yet i don’t feel i’ve grown at all. who is this face in the mirror i can’t stand to look at. is that really me? when did i change. i’ve spent so much time trying to figure things out yet only thing i learned is how shitty this world can be and to protect yourself from it. i want to die so bad just i don’t have to listen anymore. i’m tired of hearing so much noise around me. the noise of a lecture. the noise of being trapped in a room of people you don’t want to hear. the noise of this mind working against me. i feel forced to agree with disagreeable people. feeling bad for being standoffish when a smile feels like its too much to ask of me. the sunny days don’t appeal to me anymore although i wish i could go out and enjoy it. all i want to do is endure this torture and hope it ends. there is no way to cope for me. i’m so disgusted with myself, that has to be why i want to purge myself so badly. i don’t know what i’m worth anymore and feel like the biggest failure. i can’t even ask for help,i’m not sure i deserve it. i feel so stupid. no desire to do anything. lazy and depressed. no self-worth. inadequate. hateful. angry. upset. the good in me is gone and i’m not chasing ghosts for someone in me that isn’t there anymore. i want a new lease on life but my credit is bad. i want to start over because i’m stuck and i can’t pass the finish line. i need to put a stop to this misery. these are just a few of the thoughts the course through my head at all times and I can’t even begin to describe how bad they make me feel each time they revisit my mind. i’m tired and just want it to end. i’m nobody soon to be nothing.
3 comments
I feel exactly the same,
Living with this anxiety, walking through the streets feeling like a complete failure, embarrassing myself in front of so many people.
The noises too, they’re all coming from everywhere and nowhere at the same time and you won’t hear your sound because you’re shut in your nutshell so you endure it,
the arguing of your dad when he tries to help you because he loves you, he keeps on talking but you don’t want to hear because you just hate yourself too much and you don’t hear yourself anymore like if the person controlling your body had abandoned you with a “has left the chat”.
So i decide to stay home because i’m scared of people and i deprive myself from the cozy feeling of walking and taking some fresh pure air.
I know anxiety is what your brain does to judge you, that people’s looks are actually harmless and that we are the ones hating ourselves based on what we see from others who don’t have any idea.
A solution is to imagine you’re a mother of your child, you are the child as well as the mother. Now imagine little joyful you being pressured by the adult stricted and stressed out you because she’s ugly, because she’s stupid, because no one likes her, etc.
What i mean is the feeling of being blind in front of your future and not having the happy future of the little smiling girl you were back then is horrible but you’re not able to end this, you’re not strong enough to live this either but you stand there and do nothing.
I miss all the emotions, the souvenirs, friends (even if they were pretty fake i love them), family, even the people who would smile at me on the bus.
We miss having confidence and owning our life because we hate being ourselves and this hate is beyond the hatred you have for mean people, it’s disgust and wanting to die when being in our skin.
I hope my response helps c:
thank you, you really gave me a lot to think about. you know what its like dealing with anxiety and i’m really grateful for your support. i’m feeling a bit better. i don’t know what else to say but it’d be nice to hear back again sometime and maybe talk further. take care and thanks again
took words right out of my mouth. i’m lost. i’m stuck. can’t do much with my life at this point. everyday i wake up with nothing to live. wake up to go to class not paying attention to a word professor says. isolating myself, seeing everyone around me talking. happy. how did i let my life get to this point. i hate myself everyday for it.