I can’t even kill myself properly. Severely overdosed on painkillers and alcohol but got to the hospital before passing out. Just had 5 hours of throwing up as punishment afterwards. Its been two days and I’m still in hospital. I feel completely trapped. I’ve tired myself out of any further attempts but I’m dreading going back to my life. Of course, I’ll have to say I’m fine. Freedom to be miserable is still a lot better than a psych ward, especially when my exams start in a month.
I couldn’t get onto this site the day of my attempt. I think if I could have posted I would have felt like my death was announced to the world, an exit justified and at peace. Instead I texted a friend and whilst she ultimately saved my life I still can’t help but feel like it was for nothing. People think after a death scare you should have an instinctual desire to live, but nothing has changed. If anything I’m more of a failure than before.