wow. hi, everybody.
i haven’t been on this site in probably 4 or 5 years. i’m sad to be back. well i guess i’m sad in general, haha!
i feel so selfish talking about my problems to my friends, and i feel selfish writing this too, but i have to get it out. sorry for making y’all read my whining.
i feel the same now as i did when i tried to end things the first two times. the same heavy feeling in my limbs, the sleepy fog that consumes my thoughts, the same emptiness and hopelessness and apathy. i find myself wishing that i had tried a little harder to make it all stop.
i still see and hear things, but it’s a little less consuming than it used to be, which is good i guess. i’ve got great friends and a great boyfriend, i’m in college. i’m failing, but i’m here and that’s what counts, right? haha. but none of these things can make me feel any less like a huge burden and a failure. i think everyone would be better off if i were to die in a tragic accident.
i feel horrible. i’m such a waste of space. i don’t think i’ll do it soon, but it’s becoming a bigger option. it’s like a glowing neon sign, a vibrant reminder that it can be over whenever i choose. it’s an “exit game” button when you’ve spent too much time wasting time.
anyway, i hope you are well if you’re reading this. hold on, things will get better. even if it’s just a little bit.
crg
7 comments
I’ve been trying to commit suicide for 13 years but I feel worse than ever now. I didn’t know it was possible to feel this bad. I have been dragged around for a very long time. Mostly random people that I don’t even know forcing me into, first it was the psych hospital and that was 4 times (90 days total) then in jail and that was 4 times (10,000$) I feel like I haven’t done anything to deserve this but it is purely homophobic .. I’ve been sexually assaulted around 160 times in the last 4 years (and I feel that to be a hate crime which is called “corrective” rape it is where the opposite sex will rape the homosexual because of homophobia, trying to FORCE them to enjoy heterosexuality so they won’t be a homosexual) I couldn’t and would never enjoy heterosexual sex, I think it is TERRIBLE and DISTURBING!!
I’ve started self harming. I will do this thing where I slam my hands against my head until I have bruises and black eyes. Or I will slam my head against walls or concrete. It is very hard for me because I was planning and set on committing suicide in 2012 until random strangers got involved and made me stay alive. I would never willingly be alive today and I hate everyone I’ve ever met….. I am in so much pain and I really can’t believe I didn’t commit suicide in 2012. I’ve been planning this since 2006. I can’t fucking wait until I figure out how to commit I am ready to be done.
i’m so sorry that’s happened to you. people are so ignorant but i hope you can find solace in this site, and others who feel your pain.
yeah i would definitely classify those as hate crimes. that’s disgusting and i’m sorry it’s happened to you so much. you don’t need to change your identity for anyone else, there’s nothing wrong with loving who you love.
please try not to self harm with your head. you could cause some serious damage and that will just make you feel even worse. i know i’m just a stranger on the internet, but please try not to hurt yourself like that. i care.
i’m sorry people forced you to stay alive. i hope that there’s something in these past few years that’s made it worthwhile, though. maybe the changing of the seasons, a little puppy that liked you a lot? i try to find small things to hold on to, just to make it a little easier.
i really hope you don’t end it. try to get help if you’re able to, it might not solve everything but it’s worth a shot. i hope it gets a little easier for you
Well I was actually trying to commit suicide that way by smashing my head hard enough. I had run out of all options. I can’t say there is one thing in the last 7 years that I would have wanted to stick around for. It was worse than I thought it would be. I think the hate crime is just a handful of people who just can’t let me be. I do not know why…. But it doesn’t matter, I’m just scared because it keeps happening no matter how much I don’t want it. I am homosexual but truth is I’ve never loved anyone or anything.
I can’t stand the people here so they could never help me. I think life is wrong in too many ways. It’s not unbearable it is just unwanted. I hope one day I can have the strength to take my life. I don’t want it.
If only there was a black pill that took affect in 6 hours time that made you fall asleep and not wake up. Imagine it, you have six hours to do what you wish. Go see a film, go for a stroll around your neighborhood, sit down for a nice meal, blow all of your money on whatever you wish, go out with anyone close to you to let them know that it isn’t their fault, then sit down in an old recliner with your favorite candy and a soda watching tv until the end. And if it wasn’t so taboo, even have you family and friends around a bit like the philosopher Socrates when he had to drink hemlock.
that does sound ideal, honestly. but personally, i’m terrified of dying! i think i’d rather go quickly than have “i’m gonna die” in the back of my head all day. if we could get rid of the panicky self preservation response, you could make a lot of money with that idea, haha!
in all seriousness though, i’m sorry you feel this way. i hope things get better for you
But knowing when you are going to die and how peacefully would be amazing. There is no need to feel sorry. I have a great life. I just recognize that anything I do won’t matter at all. I’ve logically put the meaning of life together. There is no meaning.
Ha, I think what you are talking about is n*mbutal. It is the best way for suicide according to peaceful pill handbook which is representative of death with dignity act. It gets folks away from violent deaths like gun shot or hanging, but the upsetting thing is they legally reserve this pill (dose) for highly diseased elders. If it was legally available I would have chosen this dose at 18 years old and otherwise healthy. Damn those politics.