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Lost.

by nowheredespair

I feel lost, drifting. Some days I’m focused have enough to think this life’s actually worth it. Other times its just despair, trapped not wanting to leave my room. Loathing sunlight and the open air as if it were the enemy. The viscous cycle of negative thoughts that won’t silence. This is not what has led me to stand on the brink before. The anxiety and panic over academic work, whether or not I will fail. It hits me like a wave till I end up standing on the edge of a bridge or about to kick away the chair. This may seem irrational to many but, it’s where I end up. I haven’t been able to overcome survival instinct when standing there. Maybe someday.

Thanks for being an outlet, after days of reading others posts. It feels like a safe place to share.

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Cause of Death: Suicide 4/17/2019 - 7:43 pm

I want and wish to kill myself. I was thinking about jumping off San Francisco Bridge in 2016. Then some random men stole my license so I could never get over there.

nowheredespair 4/18/2019 - 3:53 am

Tough to go through that mental preparation and then have the chance taken away like that. A blessing or a curse.

Cause of Death: Suicide 4/20/2019 - 1:33 am

Well if I ever felt alive then I definitely do not now. And that’s been three years. It wasn’t really like a blessing or a curse it was more like torture and insanity. If anything it just made me more prepared to commit suicide but I knew I’d have to find some other way.

Bisban 4/18/2019 - 12:26 am

Kenbi; are you around.

Bisban 4/18/2019 - 1:48 am

Tonight, roughly, around, midnight, within, ground-zero, in the west, and all around, of the world, shall be, a cosmic-phenomenon, in the outer-space, but, only, if, true, God, existed, then, only, then. Fully, loaded, like, the number-ten, at the one, that I speculate, before, of, that, it is, too, late. A cross, and a scar, by a star, is it the red, or, is it, the blue, one, from the heavens.

Bisban 4/18/2019 - 1:49 am

If you exist, ily

rocketman 4/18/2019 - 11:34 am

nowheredespair, Yep I know what your talking about, who doesn’t? we enjoy being the outlet keep outletting!! “Some days I’m focused have enough to think this life’s actually worth it.” yeah those are better day’s like putting a fucking stake in a vampires heart it feels good! All i can say is it’s worth struggling and accomplishing what ever you can, you will have more days like that i promise you.

nowheredespair 4/18/2019 - 3:17 pm

Thanks, like the vampire analogy.

Gary 4/18/2019 - 5:52 pm

Your not alone. Everyday brings more crap to boggle through. We need an off switch.

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