Nothing I do feels authentic. I feel like all I do is perform. It’s a piss-poor performance that’s for sure. Far from art. I’m never my real self. I’m always uncomfortable and scared. An anxious phony. The pretender. Weakness in human form. Cowardice with a proper name.
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basefree, I get it and there is some truth involved here, we all imitate what we learn to a great degree, it’s all been said before by someone else, we are actors repeating things motions and so on, some of us create something new due to technology mainly, say something new then other’s repeat it. were all wax plastic replicas of people from the past but with a new twist now and then. Do you feel better now?
Honestly, not really. Even if we’re all imitating others and technically replicas of someone from the past, copies of copies, why did I have to be a copy of a suicidal wretch? I just want to be a confident self-assured person who isn’t anxious and cowardly. But that confident person isn’t me and it’s increasingly becoming clear I’ll never be that person. My problem is I’m not happy with who I am – which is someone who wants to be someone else.
basefree, well yeah what i was referring to was “Nothing I do feels authentic” So i didn’t realize there was much more i didn’t catch that! “I just want to be a confident self-assured person who isn’t anxious and cowardly.” in general we are like a cake mix recipe add eggs milk blah blah, lots of variables, not enough sugar yeast you get the idea the cake isn’t perfect, along the way something happened you were mistreated? put in a position a bad one? bullied? etc. these things effect us, are minds are like a computer with a bunch of files remembers everything but not consciously and it protects us as well, you were not born like that, i have no idea what happen? But you do! I could be a combination of many things! here’s a bad example you put your hand out to pet a nice little dog but he bit you! you might be careful and not pet dogs anymore maybe even hate dogs! the irony of that example is the dog bit you because something happened to him along the way to make him do that. i’m not a brain surgeon but in order to reverse these things that bother you, you need to work on them, example “afraid to talk to large crowds” you take a speech class, you face your insecurities head on little by little and over come them, i didn’t like going to restaurants why? because i got sick once! so i avoided them this went on a long time finally i forced myself to go and it was uncomfortable! after a few times of that i over came the fear and now i go anytime. hope some of this helps. OVER COME YOUR FEARS! WORK ON THEM! practice makes perfect, get back on the horse. RIDE! BASEFREE RIDE!
Yeah man, I let a portion of my pretend “everything’s cool and collected on the surface” self take a break the other day at work, and it was like, oh damnn! Big f*cking oops! My boss now sees that inner neurotic, suppose, tendency to harbor insecurity and imbalance at times..but you know, I guess so f*ckinv what. That’s what I can be like at times, and like RocketMan encourages, am trying to do what I can to overcome.. But I get what you say, and dig how say it.. the exhausting g*d damn thing, these f*cking performances, exhausting