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I feel like a zombie

by deadmanwalking1000

On the surface my life seems perfect. I have a job, a car, so called friends, and I’m about to finish my degree in finance.
Yet despite all this I still want to die.
Here’s why.
I guess the core trauma started when I was 7 and my parents got divorced. (there were many others)
Life before that was perfect and I distinctly remember my parents sitting me down
and telling me I have nothing to worry about and that they promise they won’t divorce.
They divorced the next day and my life spiraled out of control.
My dad turned into a religious nut and began giving away all of his money to homeless people.
It got to the point where he read some bullshit where it said a good christian only eats one small meal a day.
And ended up nearly starving to death.
He also lost his ability to function as an adult or take care of me as a kid.
He wouldn’t even let me wash my clothes (“jesus” spoke to him) and as a result
I ended up smelling and bullied horrifically because of it. (“jesus” also hated deodorant)
It got so bad that sometimes I would go without food for 2-3 days because he couldn’t find work.
We also ended up getting evicted because he ordered 30 pizzas and left them in front of a picture
of Jesus for 10 days and said if I eat them, I’ll be dammed to hell. (I shit you not) This also happened when we were broke and dirt poor.
I still have the building managers look of disgust etched in my memory even though this happened almost a decade ago.
Then everything changed. (not for the better)
My aunt came, picked him up and took him to a rehab clinic.
I was dropped off at a friend’s house and left there.
While I wasn’t abused or anything and they were a “normal” family,
I was still a stranger in their home and couldn’t speak Spanish and felt like a stranger.
Then by some miracle I graduated high school (the same one I got bullied in)
Eventually I ended up getting my life together.
And that’s when I the depression hit.
Everything lost meaning in my life.
Everyday goes by and I feel emptier and emptier.
It’s funny, I used to feel an intense anger when I was with my dad and my life was screwed.
That anger disappeared.
Now I feel extremely tired.
Every time I go to school or work exhausts me, every time I socialize with friends I feel out of place.
For some reason I feel like I stick out.
Also, every time I’m in a room with people I feel like they keep staring at me and are sizing me up.
Also, the last relationship I was in ended with the girl crying and saying her life would be better without me in it.
I feel she could tell something is wrong with me.
I feel no like I have no more fight left in me.
I went from being a lone outcast in high school to one of the top performing students in my college class with a 4.0 GPA (sorry to brag If it makes you feel better, I’ll probably be dead soon.)
Yet I’m more miserable than ever.
Everything I do is meaningless.
In essence, I’m a zombie.
A dead man walking.
The only thing keeping me from doing it is fear.
I don’t even know why I wrote this to be honest.
Maby somebody else feels the same way I do.

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Blackholes 5/21/2019 - 5:50 am

I feel the same way. I felt that emptiness when I was done with my college degree. I have a job, I travel, I have friends, I even plaster my fake smile everyday but I feel empty and numb. Like you can never get a genuine emotion from me unless I fake it. My life is like that. I feel the same way. I just hope that it gets better.

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