Goodbye cruel world. I can’t keep doing this shit. I tried to clean up my life. Got off drugs and such. Interviewed hard and had a sweet job lined up. 50k a year lots of benefits and now I find out that I somehow failed the drug test for the job despite not smoking any weed for 4 entire weeks. Somehow it was positive for weed. So no job. No gas. No hope left. I would have been lucky to get to work starting Monday and not run out of gas before the first paycheck. I have 40 dollars left. That might be just enough to off myself. I’ll be able to get some heroin and I guess I’ll need to get a needle cause if I snort that much I might not die. I fucking hate needles. I guess it won’t matter anymore. This will be the final dance with the devil. Maybe I should go to the top of a parking garage and shoot it while standing on the ledge. Then when I fall it will be certain and I’ll get to ruin someone’s happy day when I fall right in front of them. I hate you dad… You are the only reason I don’t want to pick myself back up again. I’m done with your criticism. I told you this would happen if you kept being a negative fuck all the time. Sorry mom. Maybe if you had listened to what I had to say when I was alive you wouldn’t have to bury me. Guess it’s still not your problem. Everyone else… You never deserved my kindness and selflessness. The brakes were always out till the last. Fuck this life. It’s been a shit show that didn’t even entertain me much. Goodbye cruel world!
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3 comments
Hey man, I had machine guns pointed at me the other day for having a sneak-a-toke with weed residue in it at a movie theatre in the city, state I was born. I don’t have shit in life and I never intended to get cleaned up because my plan and best hope since an early teen has been suicide until I started smoking weed, (I still smoke weed and plan to kill myself probably soon, but it did give me some good times in an otherwise horrible life, so saved me some years. Before I smoked weed I was intending to take my life 7 years ago) but they forced me to be clean for two years. (Just weed.) I got a job primarily so I could smoke weed again and then finally paid the bullshit courts 10,000$ so after I got my car back and everything so I could smoke marijuana again. The whole two years they didn’t let me use being constantly abused. I’m still abused sometimes but at least I can smoke again. (Although already after paying them 10,000 have been arrested three more times and had machine guns pointed at me.) so I deliver newspapers and it’s retarded and nothing at all but it brings me in cash. I still have nothing at all, but don’t kill yourself because of money. You can get a job at any stupid, shitty place and work up rather quickly. What my boss did when I first started delivering newspapers was write me an advance check to pay for my gas. I have thought about OD on heroin, but I can never find any. I never thought money could help me though so it’s not money for me. Mostly I like having a job so I’m case I want to follow my original plan and shoot myself which I would probably hope to do soon I have the money for the plan. At this point when I am arrested, I just take it as a bill to feed one of those old stinky fat men and don’t take it personally.
It’s honestly stupid that weed is illegal. It’s even more stupid that using illegal drugs gets you treated like an actual criminal.
Given that you were able to land a decent paying job, you can do it again. Just stay off the weed for a month or two, find out from your doctor how long it takes.
In the meantime maybe you can stay with family. Or talk to this employer and tell him the truth, just say you smoked a little weed 4 weeks ago and you thought it’d be out of your system.
Explain to him that you really need the job and you’ll stay clean. Tell him that you’re on probation for 6 months anyways and if you screw up they can let you go, so maybe they can give you a chance.
Don’t let this small incident stop you from living your life. All of us have fukked up in one way or another. I’ve had opportunities that few people get and I let them slip through my fingers cause my head was messed up at the time.
If you said you had serious health issues with a pile of other reasons I wouldn’t try to talk you out of it. But based on what you posted above, it seems you have a lot of potential to do well. Also are there any family members or close friends who’d suffer from your absence?
In my case I stayed for that reason and for me it was the right thing to do. However maybe one day that won’t be enough to keep me tied to this life but for now I’m ok.