I have wanted to die so many times in the past decade I can’t count. Six years ago I met someone from this website and we got married, but long story short – after countless breakups – we are finished for good. Too much has truly been said and done at last, and without him helping me, life is simply too hard.
Did anyone read that story about the Dutch teenager who was euthanized recently? She had been raped multiple times, her life was so short and full of so many nightmares. Compared to her, my life has been a cakewalk. And yet, that tired bitter part me wants to sob: it’s not fair. I have tried so hard, gave it my best shot again and again, and yet here I am. Still on this website. Society needs to be more open to the discussion of assisted suicide for psychiatric reasons. It would be so much better if we could start to view mental illness as kinda being like cancer: sometimes you get better, sometimes you don’t. Sometimes you go into remission and get it again later (and then again and again and again…)
If we could have more open discussions with our friends and loved ones about assisted suicide, then it wouldn’t be such a shock for them when we kill ourselves. They could mentally prepare themselves for it, like we have to do when we’re caring for our terminally ill loved ones.
I’m going to have to kill myself soon. It’s hard to find the energy and time to get myself organized for this since I am working two jobs. God I’m such a whiner, I am even whining about the effort it takes to kill myself.
4 comments
MarinM your fine not a whiner, your right about people that have it far worse than yourself, I’ve been through 2 wives i’m guessing 8 girlfriends, started over and over again, so your not alone. Not having your partner makes it real hard, working two jobs! I’ve done that too! I guess what I’m saying is if everyone that had failed relationships said screw this everyone would be dead, you will give it another shot or do like I did, put together a plan so you don’t need anyone to help you. Hopefully the next shot is the last.
I can’t imagine two divorces, just one is terrible enough. You know though, this was my first relationship. It is so frustrating because my husband spent so long, endless endless months reassuring me and getting me to be comfortable being vulnerable with him. So many blissful months of being spoiled with bottomless reassurance, he treated my vulnerability like a treasured gift and begged just for the chance of trying to help me.
It was a slap of cold reality when he lost interest in helping me, right when I had finally opened myself up completely to him. My vulnerability was not a treasured gift after all, but a piece of junk that no longer interested him. All those articles and songs about not being able to trust again after having your love betrayed, I understand it now. I’d had no interest in relationships prior to my husband. I’d never been vulnerable with anyone in the past simply because I’d had no interest in doing so. I won’t be in the future now because well, burned hand teaches best and all that.
I must confess I haven no idea how to put together a plan so that I don’t need anyone. My biggest trouble is that my brain gets fatigued too easily. So for example, I believe that if I could work just part-time, instead of two jobs, I could have enough time to take care of the housework and myself and all that jazz. As it stands, I lack the skills to work a job that pays well enough for me to live comfortably part-time. I’m just tired, is all. I want to sleep forever, it sounds lovely.
But thank you for your reply, you are very very kind 🙂 I hope your plan is working and you are rebuilding your life so that it’s better than ever 🙂
I can see that’s a real blow, coming so close to feeling you’ve finally found someone who accepts your issues, only for it to fall apart. Crushed hope can be especially cruel.
Obviously can’t comment on your future prospects or offer advice. Maybe there’s something different you can try, maybe something/someone new will turn up, but only you could judge whether it’d be worth taking a chance on. I always fall into assuming anybody who isn’t me will be fine if they just find the right help, but none of us really has any idea what another person’s chances are, or are even certain of our own odds. Guess we’re all just taking shots in the dark.
That tiredness sounds familiar. I suppose that’s pretty integral to depression. If it goes on long enough, you start to forget what it was like to feel fully alive and really experience anything. I’m sure it wasn’t always like this. I used to wake up and actually feel energetic.
Anyway, you have my generic sounding platitudes on this. Hope it somehow turns around for you, wish the world was otherwise, hang in there (hopefully not literally), ignore anything that doesn’t help (especially this comment.)
I know these words won’t mean anything to you right now, but I really think breakups (even divorce) should never be the reason for suicide. I say this because I’ve been through many breakups that pushed me to the edge, but it has ALWAYS gotten better. Other things in life have no guarantees, health, money, etc. But the pain of a breakup will always decrease over time. Just ride it out.
Of course I’m guessing you have other reasons for suicide and this is just the trigger. I have nothing to say because I’m in the same situation.
Also I suppose this is as good a place as any to issue a warning to all members. Please don’t get romantically involved with other suicidal people on this site. I’ve been lurking here for years and SP hookups have a 0% success rate. In most cases it turns horribly ugly. I’ve seen death threats, I’ve heard stories of people being literally kicked out on the street with nothing. I repeat: SP hookups always, ALWAYS go bad.