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My depression is getting worse and no one cares

by chhynes

Alright. Time to get this off  my chest. Since I’ve been a kid, my parents haven’t been the nicest. They both struggled with alcohol before they had me and many would say my dad acts like a dry drunk. He has anger issues, and its scary sometimes. I’m 16 now, and I’m still scared of my dad. Just today he punched my brother in the face because my brother had a smart alec tone. All I can do is just let it happen. I don’t see my dad often  because he works in New Jersey and I live in Georgia, so I guess that’s a plus. I Guess I’ve never had a father figure in my life because of this. Maybe this long distance travel thing severely stresses him out, so he takes it out on me and my brothers. At least that’s what I think. I got in a fight with dad on new years and he called the police on me. That was because I threatened to kill myself so hebeat me and I defended myself. . My dad and mom are also mentally abusive. They tell me im worthless. I’ a disappointment. That they’e ashamed to have me as their kid. They don’t ask a lot from me, they only ask me to do chores, make almost straight A’s, and be nice and respectful. And I do most of those things. The main one I struggle with is grades. They tell me my grades are shit and Im not gonna get into college and unless I get into a prestigious university they are not paying for my college. I think that them insulting me and throwing me under the bus is their way of trying to motivate me to do better, but it doesn’t. It just makes me more depressed. Im a very sensitive guy. I cant help it. I take whatever people say to me way to literal. This past year has been a wreck for me. Halfway through my second semester, my brother go kicked out of our private school for writing a pretty6 vulgar rap song. My parents basically disowned him for a time. I ended up leaving shortly after because my parents have beef with the school. I transferred into a public school, and I had no friends. All my other friends basically stopped hanging out with me, and I couldn’t make friends at my new school. Anxiety started creeping in and it got so bad that I didn’t know how to talk to anyone and I got all red and flustered even when the teacher called on me. Thyis was very weird for me because I had always been very social and outgoing. Because of this, I ended up sleeping during class a bit and not participating so I didn’t have to talk to anyone. My grades suffered a bit, but I still had A’s and B’s. This still wasn’t good enough for my parents though. they were disappointed. I told them that its hard moving schools but they don’t care. I feel like they never care. That im a robot and I have to meet all expectations or Im worthless. my parents also are suing the school we got asked to leave from. They started attacking this other rap group that goes there on facebook and shit trying to get them expelled. And those are my friends. Were my friends. The whole second semester, I had a lot on my mind. I started smoking weed a lot, sometimes up to 4x a day. Of course my parents found out and I got in even deeper shit and got more depressed. I was using weed to cruise my depression, and I’d say it was working, until I started abusing it. I’ve lost 25 pounds, I’ve stopped working out, and I feel like I have nothing to live for anymore. During this time, I was thankful enough to have a beautiful girlfriend who loved me no matter my issues. But around the 5 month mark, she told me she didn’t love me anymore. She said I need time to work on myself and my depression and she doesn’t want to date me because every time we hangout im just depressed. I cant even be happy around my favorite person in the world. This shocked me. The only person that cared about me is now gone. I have nothing left. Ive cried myself to sleep almost evry night for the past month. I want my parents to love me. I want my girlfriend to love me. I want to meet my parents expectations. But I understand you can’t have everything. Now, I just want to be left alone. I have no reason left to live. We are moving too. Since my parents were getting a lot of backlash from trying to get that other rap group expelled, they say they feel betrayed by the community and we are moving elsewhere. Away from everything I held so dear to me. I just cant see any upside to my situation. today, right before I wrote this, I told my mom I was severely depressed and want to kill myself. She told me, ‘ya know, I want to kill myself too. you just have to learn to deal with it.’ I told my father and he said that if I ever threaten to kill myself or hurt myself, hes calling the cops and having me arrested. Im pretty sure you cant do that but all the lies and manipulation my parents have put me through makes me believe him. that’s why I believe them when they insult me even when they aren’t being that serious. They don’t care. They just want to get rid of me. My dad says if he catches me smoking he having me arrested and taken away. I feel like im a completely different person than I was a few months ago. I literally cannot talk to someone I don’t know. I just like to be alone. I feel like if I kill myself now ill be saving myself from a lot of suffering in the future. my parents have asked me, “Why are you so sad? What do you possibly have to be sad about?” And I tell them. But they still don’t understand. they’ll say, no your not depressed. If you would’ve made straight A’s and didn’t smoke weed you wouldn’t be so sad. It just hurts me that they don’t care and cant even see where im coming from. Im writing this because I hope someone does. As selfish as it sounds, I just want someone to say “Yeah I understand your pain. you have nothing to feel guilty about”. And if I sound like a white privileged little *****, please tell me. Idek at this point. all I know is that im depressed and Im sick of being sad every single day.

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1 comment

Akriloth 6/23/2019 - 9:40 pm

Im late fellas… Here we go…

I totally get your struggle. The struggle to get their love. Even though so close, but they are so far. I hate my mom and my day, and i hate myself for feeling this way. Im still young, but im already feeling all of this. I hate my mom for being selfish. I hate my dad for scolding me out of his stress. He told me not to go out anymore when i was back home with injury. When my stomach ache, i told my mom i was in pain. What did she told me? Well thats your stomach not mine what can i do about it? I really hate them for making my life worse when ita worst.

I dont have a girlfriend, but… Its not like your girlfriend dont love you. She love you but thats not you now. She want the old you. Your world with bad parenting, bad grade… I think she dont care… She just wants you to be happy, she wants to be with you. And thats beautiful. Unlike me, i dont have a girlfriend, no one can stay with me at the worst situation. I have to deal with life myself. Now, im not helping out, just stating what you just said. Please dont block me.

Fellas, life is struggling, and you are not alone. Dont see those who suffer, cuz you cant see. Feel them

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