Does anyone (in their mind when they think something is unfair/stupid) use their fucked up past/ traumatizing experiences as an excuse to do fuck all and rationalize every bad choice they make?
Nobody gave a shit about me when I was struggling. I feel like I have the right to not do schoolwork and be apathetic towards everything related to school, I have the right to treat my mom like shit because she did the same thing to me and my brothers when we were younger, I have the right to take a fucking break with everything because I never got one when I was younger. But, I don’t have that right. I can’t just act the way I want: But I do.
And does it really matter in the long run? I plan on killing myself before I’m an adult, maybe I will, maybe I won’t. All I know is that if I don’t, adulthood is going to whip my fucking ass because I’ve wanted to kill myself my whole life. I’ve never prepared for adulthood.
6 comments
Hey there,
This was the first thing that popped up when I visited. I’m sort of going through the same thing right now. In my situation, as much as I want to be an asshole I can’t because I depend on them, also I just feel guilty. Despite our issues, they still do so much for me and I should respect that.
Since you say you want to kill yourself before you’re an adult I’m assuming you’re still under your mother’s financial support, so I assume you’re under similar circumstances. It’s tough and you have a right to be upset.
I’m trying so hard to practice forgiveness even though the patterns of the past are happening in the present, but that’s the only thing making it easier for me. Forgive your mother and forgive yourself. It’s okay to bargain like this and justify your feelings. Just try your best to move forward from it, though. I wish you the best of luck.
I like what you said at the end,
I had planned my whole life to kill myself before becoming an adult also. Being young is horrible but being old is empty. I had planned my whole life to kill myself the day I turned 18. I would have killed myself younger (probably nearest to 13 – if I had ANY choice.) I only waited til 18 because I couldn’t kill myself without a shotgun because I am sensitive to pain, the only method I felt comfortable using was shotgun because you don’t feel anything you just die when the bullet hits you in the brain. Then, I was put in the mental hospital and that took away my option for me to go to the store and buy a shotgun because if you have been involuntary (forced by the fat ugly f*cks) you can not legally purchase guns from the store. I would have killed myself already, 7 years ago to be exact (I am 25 now. I would have been 18.) but I didn’t have even 200$ to put towards a shotgun, because I’ve been dirt poor all my life. If I even ever had 200$ from 18-now , I would have killed my self with it.
But I started getting stalked in 2016, where the fat ugly f*cks made me pay them 12,500$ but I work now and they take probably 2/3 of my check, every single check and they just keep forcing me to pay them more. All I do all day is think how will I ever be able to afford this shotgun so I can kill myself- at least then I won’t have to pay these hideous f*cks anymore
i’ve never heard something like that… i almost dont understand. do you mean the bills for the hopsital? i’m not sensitive to pain but i know it WILL be painful to die and i don’t want to die, but i just feel like i’ve got no hope of getting better.
You have a choice to act and do anything you want, what ever you do will help or hurt yourself or others, make the right choices. Never say to yourself I’ll be dead so I can make bad ones, you might live to be 100.
Yes. You have every right to be an asshole…. if you really want to be an asshole… and you can’t help being an asshole.
Do I use my past to justify being an asshole? No, I don’t need an excuse. Having an excuse would make it seem like I’m actually less of an asshole, and that would defeat the whole purpose of the activity.