Most of my suicidal thoughts or tendencies come from the fact that I constantly feel an overwhelming feeling of loneliness no matter what i do, no matter who im with, and no matter where i am. it follows me like my shadow and is always constantly there no matter how much i shake it off. but recently (as in the past two years or so) i’ve started struggling with the lost of a purpose in life.
im a college sophomore, and i know i should be grateful and think of myself as lucky because im able to get a higher education. but i actually dreaded going to college, even after my freshmen year there are some moments where i just really dont want to go back. i know the general schedule in life is to finish college, get a degree, use that degree to get a job, work, retire, then die. and maybe along those points ill get married and have kids, we’ll see. but for some reason i honestly feel like going to college is pointless, i have no will to work harder and have no energy to pursue my passion in my education. i just dont have a will to do anything anymore, i see no point to it. theres no point in reaching out to people, because for one reason or another people always end up leaving me, theres no point in working hard because ill always be compared to my sisters, theres no point in pursuing my education because it wont lead up to anywhere.
im just stuck in this fugue state where i can look and see all the things wrong with my life but i dont know what to do to fix it, and even if i did i dont have the energy or will to anymore. im just so sad all the time and so tired, and even thought everyone will always say i have so many friends or that theyll always be there for me, i dont have anyone i could just confide my feelings in. i really just want to die, and it scares me how intense those thoughts have been recently.
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Nothing I hate more than the ‘general schedule’ of life. I’ve always been really repulsed by the idea of being of follower. I think in a way, organized education will suck the soul out of the purpose of it until you end up getting very little out of your college experience, but also I planned to kill myself immediately out of high school. I’ve always been much smarter than all the other students in my grade, if I would have chosen to not kill myself out of high school, I would have tried for Harvard, Stanford, Yale to get an college education that isn’t complete schmuck & bafoonery. But I’ll tell you a secret, I gave up a long time ago – decided on suicide – and now I’m trapped in a basement because they won’t let me slit my throat! I am proud of you for being passionate about something. I guess that means something. You sound like you’ll go far.. Harvard or not..