It’s truly pathetic how much of my life I spend longing after ‘what could’ve been’. Such a seemingly simple, basic thing becomes a source of endless misery and regret, when in theory it could’ve been so easy.
But now it’s too late. And I get to enjoy endless reminders of that fact. ”Hey look, it’s that thing that feels most vital and important in the world to you. Except now you’re past it. Too bad!”
Such a fundamental, elemental thing, and it still all comes down to right place, right time. You miss the boat, then that’s it. You get to live with your constant longing and regret. Tough shit. Life rolls on, and the next contender is ready and waiting.
But even back when it was the right time, I wasn’t the right person. It’s not like no-one ever warned me, ”Make the most of your youth, or you’ll regret it.” But I always thought I’d have more time to put myself together. I figured it would eventually just work out on it’s own, without having to go outside my comfort zone. Instead things just got worse and worse, and I fell further and further behind the curve.
The truth is I was so terrified of facing more rejection. I couldn’t take feeling any worse about myself. So I avoided any situation where I would have to risk being judged as inferior, and told myself that I would improve myself to the point where I wouldn’t have to fear that anymore. And in the meantime maybe happiness would just fall into my lap without me having to risk anything. So I wasted whatever opportunities were open to me, and now it’s too late.
I wish I could just forget it all and focus on what little remains for me, but unfortunately that’s not how feelings work. You want what you want. So I’m constantly causing myself pointless suffering, being reminded of it, and why I want it, and why I can’t have it.
I want to just stop, but…fear holds me back. I fear the experience of dying. I fear my consciousness somehow persisting, trapped with this regret and despair. I fear judgement and punishment. I fear the effects on my family.
And I fear letting go of the possibilities of this world, even though now they’re beyond me. While there’s life there’s hope, however delusional. Things could so easily still be good…if only life were simple. But it’s not. So I rot away, pointlessly suffering, waiting for something to tip me over the edge. Pathetic.
4 comments
This post describes my reality 100 percent.
I wish I had an off switch for this kind of feeling. If I could just be completely numb/detached, then at least I’d be immune to disturbance. It’s wanting what I can’t have that throws me into a downward spiral.
Sounds like we are in almost the exact same boat. I think we all grow up with a ‘what could’ve been’ list which is always slowly growing. By the time those things slip past us we find we are too old or too damaged and all those hopes and dreams fade away. Some quickly, some slowly.
As we get older and lose the ability to chase the things we once took for granted, then the ‘could’ve beens’ become…regrets. Especially for those special ones that came into our lives, trying to love and be close, and we were too young, too selfish, or too blind to see the treasure we had in front of us.
The more contenders, the more regrets. Its so unfair that once we learn enough to appreciate life and the people we should have, we are too old or damaged to put that knowledge to good use.
I too believed it would all work out on its own, with little effort from me. I had no reason to take many things seriously (except finding that fairy-tale I think you alluded to), By the time I understood that every moment is a once in a lifetime moment, I had let too many slip away, when I could have had so much with at least one of them, for the rest of my life. Lesson Learned.
I think most of us learn the hard way that the good things in life, love, rarely if ever just drop in someones lap. It takes an effort to create them.
With Love it takes two people who both see the value in love and both want that in their lives enough to put in the effort to make that work. Many people think they shouldn’t have to put in that much effort. ..until the day comes they regret they didn’t put in every ounce of effort they could muster.
Right, time, right place, as you said, that has a lot to do with everything in our lives, but most don’t understand that good things also come when we put in the effort to find them. ‘effort’ can sometimes fix a ‘wrong time, wrong place’ moment. Making the effort in achieving a goal…large or small, gives us a much greater chance to succeed, anytime, anyplace. 🙂
For my part I also know that trying to forget all those regrets, well that takes an effort too. When my thoughts go down a path, which I know only hurts me, or hurts my life, I force my thoughts, my brain, to think of other things. Things more pleasant, a mountain drive or an ocean cruise, and of course I can always fly because…hey, its my dream I can do what I want, lol. But if I think of something nice, real or imagined, my regrets hurt a little less, and the endless days, years, in pain and sitting alone, seem to hurt a little less and on a good day, I’ll feel good enough to make a little hope or dream too, I just make smaller one’s now days.
We both know there is no solution to these things, days when there were solutions pass too. But the one thing I can still do, is talk to people, usually on the internet, and maybe I can either make them smile or laugh, or maybe I can help by trying to understand, or just listening, when that might help someone.
if I can still find even a tiny purpose that brings me a smile, then I guess I let that be my reason to stay another day.
A suicide in the family is a terrible thing. People, loved ones, are left with a feeling they can never get rid of that they could have helped and didn’t. Or that you took away their last chance to love and help you, Those are hard thoughts to live with. My brother hung himself and I can’t tell you how much additional grief and regret came into my life the day he did it, and everyday after.
As long as you can still create things to look forward to and share, at least in my case, that has been enough for me to keep going. If my health gets so bad that I find I can’t contribute even little things, and I can longer make someone shine with at least a little smile, then and only then will I know that I’ve reached the end.
I hope you find a little happiness before you reach that point, so that maybe at least one of your little hopes or dreams might still come true. 🙂
Thank you, that’s a really lovely response. I think I still have a lot to learn in terms of curbing my more self-destructive tendencies, but perhaps I will figure out a way.