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Can I get some advice? [Suicidal looking for help]

by Tumbly

I don’t know where to post this, so I decided general was my best bet. Sorry if its wrong 🙁

Hello, first I would like to say a few things about myself :

I am a 15 year old female from the United States. I was diagnosed with some basic stuff like Depression, a psychotic disorder, general anxiety (Doesn’t everyone pretty much have that?) and ptsd (Which I don’t really agree with. At the time I had a psychiatrist with a degree from the Caribbean who was only practicing for 2 years and I don’t think I have it or I have a very mild case of it), and we were also exploring the possibility of bipolar disorder when I lost insurance.

Yes, I lost insurance, I no longer have a therapist or psychiatrist to talk to. Even worse, my mom wanted me stop taking my meds because I’m too fat (I’m 170 pounds, so I am actually pretty heavy). I’m very scared of my mom. She threatens me with the mental hospital (as I went there once and my doctor lied about my behavior so I’d stay there longer to collect insurance money and a nurse had to break hospital code to get me out of there) and denies my diagnosis because  she said that the psychiatrist said I’m absolutely fine and I have no idea what I’m talking about even though I CONFIRMED my diagnosis with my therapist AND was planning with her to confront my mother, which she says I lie about. I would swear on my grave that that is true and she still wouldn’t believe me.

My mother wasn’t always like this though, she used to be very supportive of me. What made her stop being nice to me was me buying a snack wrap on time. Yes, I’m literally not joking. Her and I were discussing dinner when I had my sister go get me a snack wrap because after the whole conversation with my mom, I thought we had come to the conclusion that I could get a snack wrap. Well I was wrong and when she saw what I got she got very angry at me and yelled at me about how I’m manipulating her and how she wasn’t going to be nice anymore and was going to do ‘tough love’. So yeah, she basically stopped being nice and supportive over a McDonalds SnackWrap.

I hear and see things and have been having a really hard time without my anti-depressants.  My voices are commanding and I’ve been very tempted with suicide. I have been looking up how to kill myself and looking at forums like sanctioned suicide. I want to kill myself like how Kate Spade did by hanging herself with a belt in her closet/with a doorknob (?) I’ve read that you pretty much go unconscious very quickly and it seems very ideal. The risk of messing it up and becoming disabled it worth it. No matter how morbid that sounds, I’m just so done with my parents and my mental health.

 

Now, does anyone have any advice on what I can do to make things worth living. Maybe ways to cope, or some way I can reach out for help without my parents getting notified? (I once talked about their behavior and got screamed at and punished, they also convinced the mental institute I was at at the time that I lied about everything I said about them.)

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10 comments

Hope Dream Love 8/10/2019 - 3:47 am

There’s always help lines you can call or text. Actually there’s some suggested on this site.

muspelhem 8/10/2019 - 3:49 am

Sorry to hear you feel that way. Am no authority on this, but took antipsychotics for many years because of a diagnosis (wasn’t actually psychotic, though). Also have a friend who was diagnosed as schizophrenic, took them for many years, and think it contributed to his weight ballooning to dangerous levels.

Personally don’t trust psychiatry or psychiatric medication at all, not based on conspiracy theories, simply based on personal experience. Have rarely felt “cared for” by psychiatry, and then only by random kind souls like occupational therapists or nurses. The psychiatrists themselves mostly seemed busy and superficial. Also, it just didn’t really help and caused serious problems over the long-term, which the research will back up. Antipsychotics statistically lob something like 20 years off of your expected lifespan. That is insane. That is much worse than cigarettes, yet psychiatrists are prescribing these drugs left and right.

Okay, rant over.

There might be non-profits in your area who can help you. There is a service online called “7 Cups” where you can talk to someone if you feel the need.

Think the important thing is to not wall yourself off from other people, including when it comes to your inner experiences. Sometimes a good friend can be as healing to talk to as a professional.

You also mentioned you’re a bit heavy, maybe? Not so sharp on lbs. But bear in mind that you can’t separate brain and body, mental and physical health. They absolutely go together, and they absolutely affect each other.

So get your sleep consistently every night, eat healthy, exercise. That in itself can do wonders.

If you feel like the psychotic episodes are overwhelming you, maybe there is some way to see a shrink, and maybe a very low dose of something might be helpful. Am mostly saying this to not appear irresponsible. Really hate to recommend psychiatric medication.

This may be a bit random, but here’s a link to a psychologist’s website overseas. She speaks English, she has herself heard voices, but she has also felt let down by psychiatry and subsequently quit medication and studied psychology. She helps people like herself. If you send her an email, maybe she can advise you better. Bear in mind that she disagrees with conventional psychiatry and the degree to which it medicates people. You may feel differently. Just feel okay about recommending her.

psycovery.com/index.php/da/

(Her work email is at the bottom of the page)

Good luck. Please don’t give up. Kate Spade was deeply unhappy, but what a waste! Imagine the hole she left. There can be so much better in store.

Also, use your strengths. That is really useful for happiness. Whatever you’re good at, enjoy doing, do more of that.

Tumbly 8/10/2019 - 3:53 am

Thank you so much for your reply, I really appreciate it. I’ll definitely check out psychologist you linked 🙂

muspelhem 8/10/2019 - 7:14 am

You’re welcome 🙂 Best of luck!

Rainwatch 8/10/2019 - 4:08 am

The Kate Spade suicide also struck a chord with me. The method used seemed convenient and pretty much available to everyone. Like the comments above I would advise against psychiatric medication, these are dangerous drugs that have the capacity to turn you into a vegetable. These “Doctors” who prescribe these drugs don’t take them themselves, they know the dangers involved.

rocketman 8/10/2019 - 6:25 am

Hi, Nice to meet you, for now all I can tell you is you came to the right place, you can post here and listen to others, you now have a place to talk to others, some are on here everyday or now and then, so you have a new source to go to. We are here for various reasons so this doesn’t have to be a one shot deal so keep coming back.
Most people find this place looking for information on how to kill themselves, then find out SP isn’t all about that.

So welcome to SP.

Teresa's Child 8/10/2019 - 9:43 am

Hello, and welcome to SP. I have no advice to give, besides the general “get out of there asap, preferably to college”, but obviously that’s not very helpful / maybe not possible / too vague / not immediate enough.

I joined this site when I was 15 or 16, (or was it 17?), if it makes you feel any better, and I’m unfortunately still alive. Back then, my parents gave me a lot of grief too, but I was able to overcome that obstacle by finally moving away.

There’s hope.

Ah, I will give some advice after all.:
1. Try to talk to the people around you. Trying to make friends with classmates is painful, but can lead to good things.

2. Also, stay out of your head as much as possible, and try to fill up your time with chores, tasks, games, anything.

3. Make sure you don’t eat as a coping mechanism, and start running/working out. Seriously, this will help. The voices stop temporarily after a hard workout. When I was hearing them, I would work out all the time, and it helped. Also, eating for comfort creates a cycle of dependence. And the last thing you need is dependency.

4. Focus on your grades / learning things. Also start prepping for college essays, looking for colleges, etc. all the rat race stuff. First of all, this will give you things to do to get out of your head. Secondly, it will keep your mom away. And most importantly, you will be focusing on your future, which needs to be the focus.

All this advice is geared toward one goal. Becoming independent. Looking ahead, not behind, or being stuck in your head.

That’s how I was able to move forward. I hope that helps.

rocketman 8/10/2019 - 10:42 am

@ Teresa’s Child, Gee thanks giving up all that good advice in one post! I wish I’d did that? 🙂

Cause of Death: Suicide 8/10/2019 - 5:10 pm

Well having to go to psychiatrists and do those things, is one of the worst things.. no one would want to do that.. of course you are going to feel like sh*t. I think at this point, they technically give out diagnosis, say you commit a *real* crime and murder, abduct, r*pe, anything like that, or say you become a serial killer out of a horror movie or documentary – then what they would do is take out your diagnosis and say – Lisa murdered Harold and raped his dead body, yada yada, because Lisa is diagnosed psychotic. Then they will take that into consideration when your trial comes around. I pretty much think that’s the only reason diagnoses hold any value…

I’ve always hated, been terrified of, been held back of having a life worth living, by my parents and I’ve always desired to run away. I never got the chance because they started locking me up and throwing away the key. Now I rot here. I don’t think I’ll ever accomplish my dreams, goals and get the hell away from them, and they might have me murdered.

Better to plan not to mess up when going to commit, because if you are left brain damaged, no one will be there to help .. if your parents are as evil as you say.

Hazy Day Sunflower 8/10/2019 - 10:33 pm

I’ve walked in your shoes. Hearing things. Having magical thoughts. Commands from others. It is hard. What makes it harder is trying to explain to other people how real it is. I feel like a fraud. A magician. Sad and up a tree. I understand, oh how I understand.

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