I’m 28, and I want to die. The only thing that stops me is the pain it will leave behind. There’s no way to escape it. I don’t know how I could get these people that I care about out of my life without hurting them. How do you just stop well formed relationships? Recently, I’ve tried to take a detailed look into my past, into the type of person I have been. For 28 years I have felt sad and worthless with occasional moments of reprieve. I’ve tried a dozen different pills, psychiatrists, therapists, and I’m always right where I started in the depths of hell in my head.
I don’t remember what it’s like to enjoy things anymore. It comes sparingly and leaves even faster. I wish I had never been born because there isn’t enough good I can do that will outweigh the bad that my suicide will create, and that doesn’t seem fair.
Sometimes I hope I’ll fall down the stairs on accident and die so that it wouldn’t have been my fault. But the pain would still be there for others. I can’t escape it.
So I hold onto myself in my suffering so that it won’t hurt others, but I’m getting tired. I’m finding myself in moments where I’m very close to ending my life without worrying about others feelings, but then I remember and I crawl back into the shell I’ve created for myself.
Will the suffering ever end?