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I’m 28, and I want to die. The only thing that stops me is the pain it will leave behind. There’s no way to escape it. I don’t know how I could get these people that I care about out of my life without hurting them.  How do you just stop well formed relationships? Recently, I’ve tried to take a detailed look into my past, into the type of person I have been. For 28 years I have felt sad and worthless with occasional moments of reprieve. I’ve tried a dozen different pills, psychiatrists, therapists, and I’m always right where I started in the depths of hell in my head.

I don’t remember what it’s like to enjoy things anymore. It comes sparingly and leaves even faster. I wish I had never been born because there isn’t enough good I can do that will outweigh the bad that my suicide will create, and that doesn’t seem fair.

Sometimes I hope I’ll fall down the stairs on accident and die so that it wouldn’t have been my fault. But the pain would still be there for others. I can’t escape it.

So I hold onto myself in my suffering so that it won’t hurt others, but I’m getting tired. I’m finding myself in moments where I’m very close to ending my life without worrying about others feelings, but then I remember and I crawl back into the shell I’ve created for myself.

Will the suffering ever end?

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Lifeistrash 8/2/2019 - 1:12 am

This is what I’m struggling with the most at the moment. It’s my 26th birthday in a few days and I’ve always said I would die at 25 but I can’t get over the feeling of how my family would take my death. Especially my twin. It keeps me up some nights. I even moved across the country to distance myself from them but is still hard to do what I feel I should

rocketman 8/2/2019 - 10:18 am

I’ve learned that there is no magic pill that will make everything better although they can help get you through a rough period temporarily. It’s during that period you have to fight to find the root cause of your depression and learn to deal with it. The goal is to make living more tolerable not fixing things, if you fix things that’s a bonus, everyone thinks of dying ,”why?” because that would solve everything! Which is true, but unless your ready to actually ready to do that and all it does prolong your misery, not working on the root cause, like being in limbo, I say boy it sure be nice if I was dead! Then I say but I’m not so what am I going to do to make things better? Doing things to make things better can only have one effect, things will get better 🙂

Rainwatch 8/2/2019 - 11:55 am

Your post hit the nail on the head. I live if u want to call my existence living because of the pain my suicide will cause my family. That’s what keeps me here, but u reach a point where u go thru with it regardless. I reached that point before and can feel myself heading in that direction again. You are certainly not alone.

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