I miss both of you

Where did you go? I just hate not knowing if you’re dead or alive. It’s just the worst feeling.. It’s not like I can tell anyone irl about them. That sucks because I could use some reassurance or something. I love you both, one as a good friend, and the other as girlfriend material and that’s no lie. I feel like I’ll never be able to properly connect with people irl, never find love that way. My mind is too much of a mess at this point. It lacks cohesion. Too many random thoughts, and ideas I can’t ever properly express. Nothing helps, not writing or music or anything. I feel like I fake normalcy just so people don’t think I’m weird. I’ve cut myself so far off from friends and family, and I change jobs so often I can’t settle and make friends there either. I can’t shake the fact that I’ve been unstable since leaving school and all of these small failures have compounded into a bigger mess overall. I’m directionless and sad, overweight and tired. Always tired. Idk what to do, who to call. I feel so misunderstood and I feel like I’m not living my life right at all… Sigh…