I’m so insanely fucking lonely. And desperate. It’s utterly pathetic. I’ve never not been alone, since I was a kid. I’m too far gone at this point…too isolated and weird. Like I froze my social development at an infant level, but then added all this fucked up stuff on top. I don’t think I’m even capable of being with anyone now. I have no idea how to interact with people in a natural or spontaneous way. I can’t ever relax around others. I hate myself when I’m talking to people. I hate the things that come out of my mouth. I hate myself basically. And that’s not even taking into account all the fucked up awfulness in my mind.
Fuck. I’ve got to find some way to stop wanting to be with someone. Or some way to get to know people that doesn’t make me want to self-immolate. Or I need stronger drugs. Or to finally give up the ghost and end it. I can’t go on wanting like this anymore. It hurts too much.