If it’s preferable to end unnecessary suffering, and I apparently can’t stop myself being miserable, then why aren’t I preparing to end it?
I could say that doing so would make my parents and sister miserable, and that passing my pain on to them wouldn’t be justified. But if it’s love for them that’s stopping me, then why doesn’t that motivate me to pull myself together, instead of constantly dragging them down and stressing them out?
It might be pure unconscious animal survival instinct. But if that’s the case then again, why isn’t it motivating me to do what I need to do to survive long term? I need a reliable source of income, but instead I’m just living off family and my savings, which isn’t sustainable. And if it is survival instinct that’s stopping me from ending my life, is that something I should overcome? Is that even possible?
Maybe it’s lingering attachment to dreams of a life worth living. But if so, why do I feel so hopeless and helpless all the time, certain that nothing is worth doing?
It could be fear of the uncertainty about what happens to consciousness after death. I’m an atheist, but there’s certainly a strong religious element to my psyche. But if that’s it, why isn’t it motivating me to live a morally acceptable life, or even one that I wouldn’t look back on with regret? If I’m so terrified of having to face judgement for the way I’ve lived then why doesn’t that motivate me to be better?
So many questions. I don’t think I know the answers. I don’t know what I believe. I seem to be stuck here, but unable to really accept that fact. I don’t know how to stop being miserable, or make the best of the mess I’ve made of my life. I want to, if I’m going to be here. I want to find some way to accept it, to make my situation as good as it can be. But a part of me is always desperately screaming for a way out, refusing to accept my reality, and that leads me right back here.
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The answer is that your serotonin levels are all fucked up. We might as well be talking about a migraine. Get to a doctor and get a prescription of SSRIs. Maybe you have tried this, I don’t know, but talk to a doctor for heaven’s sake! You have a medical condition. Depression is like a parasite that causes people to feel shitty.
It could be that, but there’s also a lot of reasons in my life that might explain why I feel shitty – I’ve made a complete mess of it. I tried SSRIs about 10 years ago – I was on 3 different ones over the course of 6 months. Apart from some bad side effects with the first, I didn’t notice any difference. Maybe I should try them again, but I’m scared of more side effects, and dealing with doctors really stresses me out – I don’t want to make things even worse for myself.
Ya I keep getting told the same thing to take an SSRI. All those did was ruin my face, my body, my heart, brain damage and all the side effects that are listed in the pill classifieds … by all means, they never made me feel GOOD… just, maybe made me feel DERRR. But that is normal around here.
Yeah, I feel lucky that I respond well. I know some people don’t. I’ve been using citalopram on and off for over 10 years. It always helps. I only take 10mg a day, or even just 5mg. I feel some strange side effects at first but they subside. How much have you been taking. Perhaps you need to lower the dose.
I think there are two basic issues all humans deal with that might be hindering you, and they’re very powerful – the instinct to avoid death, and the “promise of a better day.”
Its often said that none of us wants to die, rather we want our suffering to end so we can just live in relative contentment. Not knowing how to achieve a cessation of suffering, we turn to thoughts of suicide as a remedy, but that goes against our genetic code – avoiding death so as to ensure survival of the species. That’s a hell of an obstacle.
Along with this aversion to being dead, and tied in with wishing suffering would end, is the belief that so.ehow, some way, things will improve.
It’s tough being human and tough to give up on life, but that’s how we were designed, unfortunately.
At some point, the will to live is overtaken by the frustration of life, and well. . . that’s what many of us are waiting for.
Humans have only been around 7 million years out of the universe 4.34 billion years, and each human only can live 100 years. There is no reason to keep the species alive.
You’re probably right – it’s a case of waiting until my instinctive fear of death and hopefulness are overwhelmed by suffering. Which is hard to accept, because it means things will have to get much worse before I’ll put an end to it.
Definitely not love that is keeping me alive.. i have never felt any sort of love . And definitely for me, I know life will never be worth living. I’m terrified of all the people around me. If I could just get out of their disgusting grip. I would be free to commit suicide. I’ve desired to commit suicide over stay alive for the last 15 years.
For me, it is because I have been unable to complete my life’s dreams, goal, wish, plan, to fulfill all those, and put the bullet through my brain. That’s the only thing I’ve ever wanted. I’m only here today in such a good mood because I’ve been working for two years – ONLY to be able to get enough money to buy a gun to kill myself with, and I’m finally about to have the money to buy the gun which means I can (hopefully) finally kill myself after waiting and being a hostage for the last 15 years..
I’m in the same place as you now. You were not able to kill yourself because you couldn’t, deep down, you don’t want to. I guess there is always something, very tiny, almost invisible, good in life.