Couldn’t Tell You Why N

Don’t know why I’m back here. Couldn’t tell you. Haven’t used this place in a long ass time. Haven’t even looked at this place in a long time. I know I will find no satisfaction from coming back. I probably won’t be using this place consistently. I remember I’d come here to vent and check to see if I get any sympathetic comments or advice. It took me a while that it makes no real sense to try to look for sympathy from people who hate themselves as much or more than I hate myself. It’s just kind of an echo chamber full of misery and sadness. Just a place for people to come and cry and try to squeeze out all the bad feelings they can because they don’t know where else to put it. At one point, you kind of just get tired of it. When I haven’t cried for a while, sometimes I’ll look through my old posts to try and put myself back in that headspace and remember the exact emotions I had when I wrote them. It’s kind of like watching a really sad, small kid just curl up and break down, and there’s nothing you can really do about it. You kind of just watch him cry and sit there. I’m not interested in killing myself. It’s not that I detest the idea, I just have no interest in it. Thinking about myself committing suicide makes me feel nothing. It’s just a thought and then it passes. And they aren’t even frequent. Hell, it’s hard to say I even have them anymore. I still feel like a failure though. In pretty much every aspect. But I kind of just accept it. It’s like “Yeah, that’s what that is.” So I just felt like posting. Here it is. Take what you from this.