I think I’m falling apart. No matter how hard I try to hold it together, I can feel it slipping. Little by little. I go through these stages when this sort of thing happens. Frustration. Bouts of energy to try and make things right. Sadness. Emptiness. Disinterest. A feeling of being lost. Like I’m a husk walking. I start pacing everywhere. I can’t seem to sit still. Nothing really holds my attention. Focusing on one thing is difficult. Things I use to enjoy start to seem unappealing. I’ve been thinking about a lot of things. My future. My abilities to get things done. The overarching point of it all. But most of all I think of her. I think of how it’s been more than 2 years since I’ve seen her. I think about how much pain she is in. I think about how I’d like to help her. I think about how, in the back of my mind, the reason I do this is probably some selfish rationalization. That I believe if I get close enough to her, something might happen. I feel despicable. Part of me believes that I want to do it to help her, but another part of me knows better. It thinks that maybe there is a chance that I could be with her. That maybe one day she will feel the same way I feel about her. She is in so much pain, and that’s what I am thinking about. Not about her, but about myself. I’m a horrible person. Here’s the thing. She might even be reading this. She might see this and feel pity for me. In the back of my head, I can’t help but wonder if that’s what I’m trying to do. To make her feel pity for me, so she might feel something for me. Like a disturbing tactic or manipulation. I’m a fucking scumbag. I’m a miserable piece of shit that should just put a damn gun in his mouth and pull the trigger. I can never tell what my motivations are. Like how you are doing something, and you are not even fully aware of why you are doing it. Like you have hidden motives, so hidden you don’t even really know them. She will probably never see this. She has her own problems to worry about. Problems that are a million times bigger than mine. She told me that she’s lost weight recently. She was so tiny the last time I saw her, so her getting smaller makes me sad. She must be in so much pain, and here I am complaining about my own problems. She’s so nice and beautiful and loving. And I’m a horrible piece of shit. I can’t help her. I can’t make her feel better. I can’t solve her problems. If you are reading this, I’m sorry. I’m sorry about everything. I’m sorry that I couldn’t help. I’m sorry that there was nothing I could do. I’m sorry that all I ever do is do these meaningless check ups like they help or something. I don’t know why I needed to get this out. I just did.
1 comment
Everyone has unconscious motives. It doesn’t necessarily make you a scumbag. I don’t really think you can make someone feel something for you, and even if you could I don’t think pity would be the path to go down. All you could do would be to try to be honest with her (and with yourself) about what you want to happen. But that would mean facing the possibility of rejection, and feeling even worse about yourself, so it’s understandable that you wouldn’t want to fully acknowledge those feelings.
It doesn’t sound like you’re able to put your own feelings aside enough to provide ‘impartial support’ to this person. That just makes you human – there’s no requirement that you should be able to do that for someone that you have feelings for, however much you’d like to. Being close friends with someone you have unresolved feelings for is a recipe for depression.
I would say either be honest with this person, or slowly distance yourself (or both.) It doesn’t have to be a proposal – you could say that you don’t feel honest being in contact with them because you subconsciously want something from them, and it’s not healthy (for either of you.) Or you could carefully lay out your feelings for them, while making it clear you don’t expect anything from them, but that it’s hurting you to stay in contact while feeling that way. Or you could keep torturing yourself over it – that’s definitely what I would do.