i’ve turned into a version of some sort of self deprecating joke

i can’t even start writing. I can think of everything that had twisted me into this way, since i was a child, but nothing will happen even if i say the words out. I’ve been seeking attention, not help, i want other people to feel that i am in this terrible state, but i don’t want help, i don’t deserve help, the only way to pay back is to be in more pain, more and more.

i don’t know when i started making these self deprecating jokes, lowering myself to a state just to make myself feel comfortable. but in other people’s eyes, from all these words i said about myself my existence had made them feel like they’re better of a person. i can’t remember when people started to talk or look at me as if they were superior, as if i know nothing and can’t get anything correct. i want to live correctly, fucking hell i really do, but to make everyone happy i’ll have to become a whole another person. i’ve realized that all people want in me is change, for me to change into someone, something else. i thought everything is getting better, i felt happy, but the cloud creeps up, and suddenly i can’t breathe all over again, all i remember is this loath for my existence, this urge to be gone completely, having my thoughts deleted and gone, for me to not remember i’ve ever been alive.

i can only talk about myself on this site about these, my childhood, my family, people around me. i’ve grown up to be a worthless shit that can’t feel anything but this, the cloud above me, i’m getting overly sensitive, i’m scared to talk or do anything, i shouldn’t even be typing, i shouldn’t be here, i shouldn’t.

“you guys are all so busy during lunch doing school work! i don’t even do anything during that time.”

they are in the student council, doing projects and meetings or practicing music. i genuinely felt bad for not using my time up, and wanted to make them happy by telling them i recognize their hard work, that’s it.

“oh, you’re busy too, you’re busy buying lunch, thinking about going to mcd or starbucks and all.”

that hit me so hard, i don’t even know why, the more i hate overanalyzing it, the more i think about it. N is a good person, i really don’t understand if that’s irony or what, but i got struck so bad i could barely get my mind off of the fact that that is truly what i do, and they see it, they judge me as someone that doesn’t care and does shit in school, when i really tried my best but still can’t get my grades up as high as them. i’m leading myself to somewhere i can’t see, being the unaware, self-centered, arrogant ***** i am.

i’d like to make more examples on my mother’s words to me, but i can’t even try to recall them, i’m such a fucking mess right now. i’m tired of being what they want me to be and continuously failing the job.  i want to leave so bad.

fuck it, i’m saying it. after i finally brought myself to talk to my mother about my feelings, without mentioning the word depression. i told her i’ve been in pain everyday and life feels bland and worthless. a reply of “ally, just so you know if you do anything stupid i would kill myself after you.” i’m getting a bit tired of typing, but my older sister said if i die she would also go with me.

i’m having the best time of my life!! living every second suffering, trying to not end this and second-handly KILL MY MOTHER AND SISTER!!! i can’t do this, the more i say it the worse i feel, i can’t do this, i can’t keep this up any longer.