I should be researching methods, ordering equipment, preparing. If I was serious, that’s what I’d be doing. Instead I procrastinate. Clearly, I don’t want to die enough.
I just desperately want to not feel this way anymore. To not have the experience of being me anymore. To not have this guilt, shame, regret, craving, self-hatred constantly hanging over me. I want to be free of myself. But I’m simultaneously too attached to it all to let go.
Killing myself would devastate my family. So I shouldn’t do it. But it would (probably) put an end to my suffering. So I should do it.
It seems you can’t change the past. So I’m stuck with this reality. I’m stuck being this person. I should either end it, or make the best of it. But I don’t seem to have the motivation or ability to do either. I just want out. I want an experience that isn’t this.
29 comments
“Clearly, I don’t want to die enough.”
Not necessarily, would you hang around a minute more if it wasnt for your family? It’s only natural to procrastinate. Most folk on this forum are doing just that.
Boils down to choosing our suffering against that of our loved ones. The only question is for how long? Each of us must be having a breaking point. That you’ve ‘procrastinated’ this long is a sign of character, I’d say.
i dont think its so much a case of wanting to die. i mean would anyone here really want to die if we werent we…here. if we had better lives would we really want it to end? and it is that hope that maybe one day we will wake up and be ok that keeps us from doing it. at least thats what i see and believe. i know thats what stops me. i dont want to die but that doesnt mean im not tired of the b.s. i go though everyday
Ahh, ok, I missed the element of hope totally. You’re right, not all of us here are hopeless. Indeed, very few (like me) are hanging by filial threads. Anyways, I presumed that was the case with OP but maybe he too hopes to wake up one fine day and find out all will be ok. I too hope so for him and for you ?
“healing” takes a lot of work and sadly the chances of just waking up ok is unlikely. but i know that im trying . idk about anyone else here but i put in a lot of hours of research i plan on finally putting to use. i think… i think might have a personality disorder. sometimes ill do anything to be ok again. and sometimes im up for living a life like jesse pinkman in breaking bad. its really difficult to go forward when youre going backwards at the same time.
I have the feeling of hoping to wake up one day and find it was all a bad dream. I see no prospect of that for me. It’s been 12 years like this, and it’s only getting worse. I don’t think there’s any ok possible for me now – I can’t undo what’s been done. This is me now.
But even if my family were gone, I don’t know if I’d be able to end it. There seems to be this instinctive part of me that clings to existence, even though most of the time it’s miserable. My mind looks at my reality and screams ‘I want out’, but my body seems to crave continued experience.
I have no idea what to do. I should prepare, so that I’m ready when things finally become ‘too much’. But mostly, I just want to numb it all away. I know it can get worse. But just this feels unbearable. Though I think it would be worse for my family if I did it (that they might feel as bad or worse as I do now.)
I don’t know whether I should do it now, or if not at what point. But mostly I don’t know how to go on living and functioning in the mean time, when all I want is to not feel this anymore. Killing myself would be terrible, but my reality is also kind of terrible. I suppose that’s why I procrastinate – there are no good options. If I go on living, then I have to deal with feeling like this (and worse). If I don’t, then I have to somehow overcome my natural urge to live, and I make the people who I love feel some equivalent of the way I feel now. Either way is bleak. So I hide from making the decision.
i think you shouldnt do it. it seems to me its like i said. you dont want to you just feel out of options.
I don’t want to in one sense, but I do ‘want out’ of this experience, and it seems like the only way out. It’s confusing.
there is a way out that isnt death. however unlike some people on here im not going to sugarcoat it. its a bit of work to do it
I mean if I really believed that something else offered a way out, I might be able to summon enough consistent effort. But I don’t. I’ve tried a variety of different ways to change things in the past, but though my circumstances or actions change, my fundamental experience doesn’t. I don’t think I have much in the way of false hope left.
like i believe ive already stated ive done a lot of research and just knowing what to look for helps. if youd like i can try to help you and show you what ive found. 🙂
That ‘s kind of you, but I wouldn’t want to waste your time (or further reinforce my own hopelessness.) My situation isn’t typical, and what may be useful to most often doesn’t apply. Though I am curious, if you’d like to talk about what you’re thinking.
oh no it wouldnt be a waste of my time at all
to point you in the right direction it would help to know a bit more about your thoughts and fears if you dont mind. if you do you can email me so its more private
I’m afraid I can’t disclose the really dark stuff, and I wouldn’t expect anybody to be able to point to a solution if I did (specialist therapists couldn’t.) More broadly though – I’m afraid I’ll never experience love or emotional intimacy, or even be able to be around others without anxiety. I’m fairly sure no one could ever really know me without being repulsed. I find myself repulsive much of the time. A large part of me feels I should be dead, that people like me shouldn’t exist. I also feel the world can be a harsh and brutal place, and doubt that life can be worth facing that, especially without the consolations of social feeling.
There’s so many things I could say about my thoughts and fears, but as I can’t tell you the really crucial stuff I don’t think I could make you understand.
But I’m still interested in what you plan for addressing your own issues. You mentioned you think you have a personality disorder? (I could probably be diagnosed with several depending on the criteria used.)
charityhope640@gmail.com email me. id like to get to know you. i see people for what they are on the inside. i dont care what the outside presents. the outside isnt whats important.
also i might understand more then you think.
I appreciate that. Believe me, if you really got to know me, you’d want nothing to do with me. It’s what on the inside that’s repulsive. Externally I can present as a perfectly nice, perfectly normal guy. It’s just that I’m a shitty person, and so I suffer the well-deserved consequences of having to live with myself.
give me the chance. please? you dont know that for sure unless you let me try. and thats just one thing i will show you. 🙂
Jumping to Conclusions: Drawing conclusions without concrete evidence.
When we draw negative conclusions in the absence of concrete evidence or facts we are “Jumping to Conclusions”. You might have even heard people telling you that you are “Jumping to Conclusions”, or you are making too many assumptions, those are usually signs that we are committing this thinking error. When we jump to the wrong conclusions frequently, we can feel quite a bit of distress.
you can’t assume everyone is the same and we will all feel the same because we are all unique 🙂 allow me the chance to show you.
I mean I can’t be 100% certain of anything, but I’m fairly sure. You seem like a good person. And a rational response by anyone half decent towards me would be moral disgust.
While I don’t have ‘concrete’ evidence for that (obtaining such would be potentially dangerous), I do have an awful lot of observation of general social reactions to people similar to myself. And I understand those reactions. Those are the morally correct reactions to have.
While not everyone feels the same about everything, there are a few issues which pretty much everyone (morally sane) agrees on.
On the one hand, I want to be proved wrong. On the other, I don’t want the hopelessness of this realisation reinforced any further. I don’t think I could ever risk opening up to anyone again. It’s too dangerous, and it hurts too much when they finally figure out how worthless you are.
I understand your fears. But right now I need you to understand I’m very different from other people. It is obvious to me you have remorse for your mistakes and you understand them to be such. The only way I could possibly hate you is if you thought it was a good idea to keep going about your ways however if you wish to change them and be a better person I would love to help you. Please give me the chance to prove you wrong. Allow me to be your friend.
I only need a second. And you can change your mind at any point.
I have regret, which isn’t the same as remorse. Part of me wants to change, but a large part of me doesn’t. There’s things I don’t think I can change, and honestly, I don’t think I have it in me to maintain any changes I do make. I just don’t have sufficient hope to motivate me to do so long term.
Besides which, there’s key things I don’t think I can be honest about, even to a stranger online. It’s too risky, and the shame is too great. I wouldn’t want to mess you around.
I think you can change. And I think you need someone that believes in you. I believe in you. And like it or not that won’t change. I gave up once and I’ve hated myself ever since. I’m not giving up again.
It would be stupid for me to think you’d tell me the complete truth especially at first however if you told me you aren’t ready to talk about something instead of lying about it I can work with it. I honestly believe you can so it. You just need to take the bit of hope you have left and give me a chance. I told you it won’t be easy. I told you I wont sugarcoat it. But I also refuse to give up. We can start out with something small. It’s always best to start small. Just a little bit more hope at a time. It’s like a dominio effect. And if you fall down I’ll be here to pick you back up 🙂
Aghh, see now you’re being so nice that I feel bad for not accepting your help. Thing is, you don’t know me. You don’t know the depths I’m capable of. So you can’t believe in me. Honestly, I’m not worth your time. There’s so many people who are more deserving and would make the most of the support. What makes you think I wouldn’t just betray that belief?
When did you give up before?
I could probably refrain from outright lying to you, but then you wouldn’t actually understand why I am what I am.
and you dont know me. you dont know the depths im capable of caring. but i can tell you that those that know me, know that i would do anything once i set my heart to it. and you dont know this but if you were to email me i could tell you, ive actually wanted to help you for a while.
if you were going to lie to me you would have by now. you would have been lying to me this whole time but instead you care enough to try to push me away instead. to try to protect me from yourself.
telling the truth will come in time once you get to know and understand me a little bit more. so no i couldnt completely help you right away but theres always a place to start. i know in my case some of my disorders are what i would say feeding off of each other. example my hallucinations have a ball playing with my paranoia. it started out as 1 problem. just a little bit of anxiety over something. but it grew into fear. which turned into something i can see/hear. point is even if you dont tell me its possible i can still actually help more than i know.
it was a 1-2 years ago. i had made a friend on here. and i couldnt help her. it overwhelmed me. i wanted to help i really did. but i couldnt. and now i havent heard from her in forever. i know ill never forget her but i fear the worse and i blame myself for it. if i had of stayed maybe i could have helped but i didnt. and i dont think i can ever forgive myself for it.
honestly ive done so much research that i think in some ways im can help more than a therapist. i mean theres some things i cant help with duh but i know a bit about at home therapies. not only that but its not my pay check so at least you know what i do and say is genuine and not just because i see you as a cruise to the Caribbean, but that im actually trying to help. that i actually care. id say i get nothing from it but thats not true, i get the satisfaction of knowing that i helped someone today. of know that yes i am important and people need me. when im helping someone it gives me the ability to push my problems aside and for that time forget them. maybe my heart is just too big lol.
also idk if it matters but ive helped at least 2 other people from this site live better lives. im not bragging just trying to show you im not full of shit and that what i say is true. i will pick you up and i will hold you until you are able to pick yourself up. i know how to turn negative thoughts into positive ones. i know different strategies for dealing with stress and anxiety. and any problem you come across if i dont know the answer i will do my damnest to find it. but all of my efforts are futile if you not only give me the chance but try. i cant pick you up if you are just going to pull me down. however i can hold you there and give you hope.
if youve read my post, rainbows and unicorns, you would know that everyday life for me is complete hell but yesterday (up until i was going to bed anyway) i wasnt depressed. i wasnt paranoid. i just wasnt. for once i was actually ok for a little bit. and if thats possible for me i believe its possible for you. all you need is that little sliver of hope.
this post kinda made me tear up.. everything I’ve been trying to put into words, all my feelings.
id also like to say to anyone reading our conversation that you too can email me if you please. my help is not limited to those i extended it to, it is only limited by those not willing to accept it. so please if you want help or even just a friend to check in every now and again, email me.