May 15, 12:44AM
it’s a school night, i was supposed to sleep early to work on my important project, but something happened. i took 7 tablets of (?), i don’t know why i took them, shoved them down my throat and casually went to bed, after 10 minutes i felt this terrible pain in my stomach and my eyes were about to burst “it’s nothing” i said, and tried to sleep, but it only got worse so i decided to ask for help. searched the tablets name on google, “the lethal dosage could be as low as 4 tablets for a grown-up” “Do not take more than 3 (?) tablets per day or more than 5 tablets per week” Oh no.. i’m a teenager and i took.. 7, i rushed to my mum’s room trying to act as calm as i can and said “my stomach hurts, please take me to the hospital” weirdly enough she didn’t ask why, how severe is the pain, she took me without questions, you may wonder “why is it weird?” well, my mum will NEVER take me to the ER, she never did even when i was vomiting, she says it’s a waste of time and they’ll probably tell you to rest and that’s it, so for 17 years i never went to the ER with my mum, and that was the first time ever and i didn’t even tell her what i did yet. Okay so the hospital isn’t really far, it’s about 5 or 4 minutes away from where i live but with the pain i was feeling it felt like an hour and i’m not exaggerating, i was trying to hide my pain and act like it’s food poisoning or something but as time passes i was starting to lose it, when we reached the hospital i was in a pool of sweat i remember my face was shiny and my hands were sticky, but i managed to act calm but wait why are the lights off? Oh. this hospital has no emergency services today, we had to go to the other one which is 17 minutes away, i finally lost it, i started screaming in pain and hitting the car’s window with my hand, unable to breath and can’t see well, i was sweating heavily and my heart was beating so fast, it all happened in three minutes. we reached the hospital and once i stepped off the car i vomited everything i ate since 1997, i was about to spit my whole stomach out, they had to take me in with a wheelchair and took my biometrics, the nurse panicked when she saw my heart rate and my blood pressure both of them was extremely high, it was unbelievable, they rushed me to the emergency doctor, now, my mum and i are in the room and the doctor is asking me about what happened, my mum answered with what she knew so he told me it’s probably food poisoning and i’ll be okay but i decided to tell the truth, to save myself. I whispered to him what i did and he gasped “why didn’t you tell your mum?” “i can’t”, my mum angrily asked me about what happened and i didn’t answer, he sat on his chair again and told her to calm down “we will be calling the main hospital to take her by an ambulance, she has overdosed and the dose she took may be lethal due to the rates.” my mum was angry, frustrated she started yelling at me while the doctor tried to calm her down, they took me to the next room and had to put some needles and IV’s in me, my mum took my phone away and we had a fight so now, i’m about to die and my mum is mad at me, what a great thing. She called my sister telling her that she will come home a little late, the ambulance came and i started crying my eyes out while it was taking me to the hospital and i kept asking them if they will be taking me to the psych ward because they did it before and i really don’t trust them, he showed me the location and i finally calmed down. When i arrived there they rushed me in a luxurious room and put more needles and things in me, it seems like they’re using all of their machines to help me now, my mum was sitting next to me in the room and we didn’t say anything for hours while the nurses kept checking my rates and asking me about how i feel, it’s about 3AM now and i can’t sleep at all due to the high dosage i took (it had a lot of caffeine in it to keep me awake for a whole week) my mum didn’t sleep either, now, i don’t know what happened but i remember hearing a lot of voices at the same time and my weird machines going off, i slept, or in other words, i died. I didn’t know what happened next and when did i wake up but when i did i saw the relieve on everybody’s face, specially my mum’s. I hugged her and told her that i’ll never do it again, some emotional things happened and we were good. It’s around 6AM right now and i’m waiting for the psychaitrst to come so she can decide if it safe for me to get out, my mum had to take my siblings to school so she left and came with some clothes to me as i was sweating for god knows how much hours, the psychaitrst came and we talked for a bit and finally, i was able to go. We went to the mall and bought some stuff, i had to deal with a lot of things for a month afterwards, sweating, dizziness and dehydration.
i know what you’re thinking right now “wow, she’s so much stronger than me!”, well maybe not. i know you heard what i’m about to say at least a hundred times before, but hear me out.
i’m still depressed, in fact, i tried to kill myself yesterday, and i still want to do it, but what happened back in May made me feel how important i am to a lot of people and specially my dear mum. Suicide is scary, losing someone or yourself to suicide is scary, let me tell you something and it’s actually a fact based on some studies, most (if not all) of the people who committed suicide regret it at the last moment, when it’s already too late, i didn’t believe that but when i saw what happened, when i was at the hospital getting help for something i didn’t want anyone to save me from, i realised it’s true. When i had to stay two weeks in a psych ward to keep myself safe from me, i realised it’s true. It’s true, please don’t harm yourself, you deserve so much better even if you don’t see it clearly please go ask for help, there are people out there who are willing to help you, you matter, things will be so different without you and we don’t want to lose you. Maybe at some point of your life u tend to feel like suicide is an answer, but it’s never an answer for any question, any problem, anything. i don’t care if you’re weak, or strong, i don’t care about how mentally stable you are but i want you to stay alive, it’s not worth it, i’m not in the best place right now and i’ll probably be gone soon but i do know that suicide will never end the pain, it will be the worst decision to take.