I am torn between two views of reality, and of the self.
One is that the self is dependent on the brain. It changes as the brain changes, and as the brain is damaged by injury or disease. Who you are is what your brain does. As the brain dies and is broken down and subsumed into other organisms, so the self fragments and is dissipated.
The other is that the self can somehow transcend death, and will be held to account for it’s actions in life. That it is a discrete entity, which can be detached from the world, and judged alone. That in some sense it is eternal.
These things are mutually contradictory, yet somehow I believe them both, one rationally, the other emotionally. Try as I might, I cannot seem to settle on one or the other as an approach to reality. It leaves me in two minds about everything, especially suicide.