Can’t do it anymore

My life is full of ups and downs. I mostly see the downs. I hate myself. I hate what I have become. Actually, I’ve always hated who I was. Always but with different variations. These past few months or even year, for all I know, I’ve hated myself almost as much as my high school years (so close to death at that time).

I am grudgeful, bitter, hateful, pessimistic and unmotivated. Unmotivated to live and to make friends.
Friends : People who are in and out of my life. At this point mostly out. People whom I have shared my life with for years and all of a sudden, they turn on me. They cheated me (ex boyfriend) and disregarded me. I feel worthless and if making friends gives this feeling at the end. Fuck friendship.

Plus, my friends are never around me. They always live far away. My stupid self can’t even ask for help in the most darkest times. They never come to me for help so I never want to bother them either. In the end, friends are useless and troublesome. Troublesome because they give you hope that you’ll be ok. When you can’t be.

I just want to stop suffering.

I don’t know how long I’ve been putting up with this situation, but it has dragged out for too long. I’ve been bottling up these feelings for such a long time, and no tears can release or erase them.

I’ve been trying to find the root of the problem. But all I can see is me. I’m the root of the problem.

I believe I won’t live long. There is no real futur for someone like me. Through all my efforts of self love, it always comes down to the fact that I’m not lovable. I can’t love myself.