Falling apart again

I don’t know what to do, I don’t have friends to talk to about this shit cuz of course my friends are friends with my boyfriend but I feel like our relationship is coming to an end and I’m wishing so much it isn’t but I know it is and when it’s finally over I’m gonna fall apart. I honestly just want something to happen to make it end easier but I know it’s not and it’s going to be painful but literally we can’t spend more than half a day with each other without one of us getting annoyed at the other and I don’t think that’s how relationships are suppose to work. And when he gets annoyed with me I feel worthless like why am I even alive. I hate that when I get upset the first fucking thought is that I should kill myself. I don’t think that’s ever going to go away. I keep cutting myself and trying to hide it. At least I hurt myself less because of him because I’m terrified he’s going to find out I hurt myself and the last time that happened he broke down but it’s just so easy and helps me feel so much better afterwords. I hate that it makes me feel better. To see the blood and be like “hey I actually bleed, I’m real, this is real” instead of just feeling like an empty shell who used to be a person. Guess we’ll see what happens. Just gotta make it through the holidays. January something will happen. I know it.