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I need to tell someone this.

by LiquidHuman

I need to tell someone this. I’ve been planning this for a year or so now, and since then I’ve kept it to myself the entire time. For an entire year, I’ve lied to my family, to my friends, and even to my therapist about my intentions. It’s entirely necessary, but I feel as though I’m going to go insane if I continue to just hide this form the rest of the world.

I’ve given myself a deadline of age 35. I’m going to kill myself at the evening before my 36th birthday.

I’ve been debating the morality of me leaving versus the morality of me staying. I’ve found that neither is of entirely sound reasoning. Me killing myself will no doubt shatter the lives of my friends and family. Whether I choose to believe it or not, what I’m going to do will follow them for the rest of their lives. Nothing will ever be that same “normal” as they were back then. Even if I go through with my plan of slowly pushing people out of my life, the news will surely shock them. I don’t talk about any of my plans for the future with my family. It would be cruel of me to do so, and then rip that away from them later.

All the same, I have to do this. This is just something I’ve realized over time that I can’t turn away from or avoid. I’ve learned things about the world as if late. Things part of my wishes I could have continued being blissfully unaware of, no matter how immature that thought may be. Things that have caused me to fear the future. For good reason. And for those reasons, I don’t think I can stay. The same goes for some of the things I’ve learned about myself. I’ll spare you the details of all this, as I’ve written about it several times on here, but the bottom line is I don’t think my existence in this world makes much sense anymore. As much sentimental value some people place on me, that doesn’t change the fact that my life is inherently parasitic in nature. There are certain things about myself that I can always hide, but never change. And it’s only a matter of time before those things come to the surface. There is something very wrong with me. And rather than wait for people to find that out themselves, I’m going to leave before I outstay my welcome. I want to apologize to my family and friends, but if they knew what I was, they would avoid me like the plague.

I’ve been trying to be as happy as possible (after all, I should try to enjoy these last years) but it’s hard. Everything feels so off, almost dreamlike in nature. I think I might be going through similar stages a dying person goes through during the ending stages of their life. The thought of death normally makes me feel calm, especially at night. Imagining myself dying in my sleep is actually one of the things that settles me down when I’m having an anxiety attack a night. But now, the prolonged idea of impending death is something that shakes me to my core when I think about it too much. There are times when I cry, filled with fear and sadness of what’s to come, even though it’s of my own volition. Certain songs, specifically ones about growing old with someone, really fuck me up now. I don’t think I ever truly believed I would grow old, but I pretended I would. I pretended I would grow up, make a name for myself as an author, get married, have kids: a sickly-sweet perfect life. Just like with the stories I write, I created a fantasy world for myself to try and drive away the hard truth that I was never going to grow old. I always knew deep down that my life would end with my body being found beside a suicide note. I just never accepted it until now.

I think the worst part of this is that now I want to live. Maybe I always did. Or if not live, I wanted to do something with the time I had. There is so much my parents have done that I wish I could do. But I just don’t believe that’s possible for me now. Maybe it was never possible, and I’m just aware of it now. (Sorry, I realize I’m being extremely vague during all this, but I just want to avoid giving people as much about my personal life as possible.) There’s always this constant feeling of sadness and fear in me nowadays. I don’t want to kill myself, but I know I’ll have to. If I don’t, I’ll be failing myself and everyone else, even if I know this will make them unhappy. Sometimes you have to do things like that. Make your loved ones unhappy if that truly is the right thing to do. Even now, I’m not sure if it truly is the right thing to do, but no matter how much I debate with myself, I might never truly know.

Please. If anyone is reading this, I’m not even gonna lie to you, I feel more scared and alone than I ever have in my entire life. I only have a little more than ten years left of my life, and I can’t talk to anyone I know about any of this. Please, talk to me. I don’t even know what I expect you to say. I just need some form of comfort from all this.

I’ll be waiting here.


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Jack 11/6/2019 - 6:22 pm

I understand.

Jack 11/6/2019 - 6:56 pm

I dont know what to write.

Once 11/6/2019 - 8:00 pm

Something you repeated in your post is that you don’t want to die, that you are having second thoughts.

I believe most of us don’t “want to die”, we want a better life than the one we currently are living, but are unable to secure it, for a number of different reasons.

I understand some of your reasons, there is sense to them. I’m guessing you’re around 25. Your plan is roughly ten years down the road. A lot is going to happen between now and then. A lot. Think back to 15, and see what I mean?

Keep your plan in place. Like many of us here, our plans are our security blankets. We need the plan, it calms us knowing we have a way out, and we can control it. In a world where we often control so little, and need the element of control, a plan can be a comforting thing.

But just be open to the fact that over the next ten years, things will become different, things will change. Life may not be any better for you in 2029 or 2030, but cross that bridge when you come to it.

thehusk 11/6/2019 - 8:28 pm

A hell of a lot can happen in 10 years. It’s tricky to offer words of comfort without knowing your circumstances, so I’ll have to stick to the generic stuff. Probably, killing yourself isn’t the right thing to do. No matter how much you might fail your family, the world will most likely still keep turning. Possibly, if you stick around long enough, you may experience some meaningful form of work or relationship, or even reproduce.

Whatever you choose, the universe will continue to unfurl, in all it’s beauty and sadness. Any positive experiences you’ve found here will still have happened. Significance will still have been felt. Any pain or suffering you may encounter in the future will rapidly be swallowed into the eternal churn of nothingness (though it won’t feel like that at the time.)

I’m afraid that sounds rather glib. That’s the problem with generic comfort. Things will probably be more or less fine, depending on your definition of ‘fine’.

Alternatively, there is a squad of invisible angels who have been sent to watch over you and protect you from harm.

PPPP3 11/7/2019 - 5:48 am

Wow, your “thehusk” comments are really nice , helpful + profound.

And even if LiquidHuman is unwilling/unable or does not want to believe you,
I feel the need to repeat 1 of your very wise/kind remarks:

* You said,
“…there is a squad of invisible angels who have been sent to watch over you and protect you from harm.”. *

Although, that sentence says it all,
for those who are not familiar with God/Angel, spiritual kinda stuff,
that simple statement reminds me of the truth/facts that,
1. We are never all alone and we are always loved, and our lives hold incredible value, (even when we don’t recognize it)…
2. Everyone was created for good, a unique purpose, joy, peace + the ability to both give + receive love, (even when we don’t recognize it)…
3. The world would never be the same + would experience a profound loss, if you or I do not complete the intended contributions spiritually planned for us during our lifetimes, (even when we don’t recognize it)…

4. Depression is never an emotion we are born with;

4a: Yes, we’re born with an ability to be sad, joyful, peaceful, + protective (e.g. startle reflex when danger is near);
4b: But- fear, anxiety, depression + suicidal thoughts,
are all things we learn or choose to do = what I now refer to as “unreasonable + unnatural, emotions or thinking”.

5. IMO, we are never born with an instinct to murder/kill ourselves-
Nor is chronic depression an intended lifelong ailment that can not be cured, even if we are predisposed to it.

Depression + suicide are both “unreasonable” thoughts created by many factors, both physical + mental e.g. see 4b.

Conclusion: Recognize + cooperate with “THE ANGELS” who always will be protecting you,
(even when you don’t recognize it +/or when you are behaving unreasonably)…

They simply want you to feel joy, peace + love, (and of course at times an appropriate sadness when something bad or a loss happens in your life).
But long term depression + suicidal ideations?
Nope, fact is that is unreasonable thinking (not the reasonable GOOD plans for your very unique + valuable life).
It is not your fault when you feel/think that way, but that does not change the fact that it still is unreasonable/unnatural.
Cooperate with the Angels, and follow their guidance, back to the right SAFE paths intended for your lifetime.

And when you reach the last breath of your natural life, it will be with peace + feeling proud, knowing you lead the most positive, productive loving life possible, based on the tools you were equipped with.

Thanks again The Husk- Your last statement * is probably all anybody here needs to read + accept as the truth + answer to it all.

We must cooperate with the Angels (sent by God, if u believe in him) or just accept the SPIRITUAL TRUTH that,
* “…there is a squad of invisible angels who have been sent to watch over you and protect you from harm.”. *

And after reading my way too long reply, if you still do NOT want to cooperate with the Angels?
My advice, is to do absolutely NOTHING! …
(for as long as you can),
and let them (God’s Angels) do their job,
to LOVE + PROTECT + Fight Your Battles.
(Until you are able to, all by yourself, again 🙂

For the record, I am still battling with my “unreasonable thoughts”,
E.g. Death is very enticing …And after I remind myself I am likely thinking unreasonably due to intense pain + anger,
I step aside + leave all decisions up to (my) God + his Angels.

I’m certain when I am intended to die,
I will.
And although I can still pray/hope it might be today or really soon, it’s really just wasteful/useless thinking, and I need not do nothing to accomplish my timing of my natural death.

I did not choose to be born, only reinforces that I do not have the right to choose when I will die.

I apologize to all who disagree with me, but after extensive research on euthanasia, mercy killing + groups that promote the right to die,
in my heart I know it is still unnatural + just another type of murder (=almost always wrong).

Therefore I’ll keep reaching instead,
to be peaceful, joyful, pain-less + loved + ALIVE,
for whatever time I have left.

I hope you all do the same, too 🙂

And, the last “fact” I must mention today, (remind myself of),
it is always much harder to live than it is to die –
but do it anyway,
I’m certain *you + I both can.

* If you can not stay alive beyond today, PLEASE discuss it with 1-2 people first (even if strangers) to make 100% sure you are not thinking unreasonably.
If you are not up for discussions,
still find a few (2 or more) people, and ask them bluntly,
“Do you believe it is unreasonable for me to kill myself today?

If even 1 says you are behaving unreasonably, I’m sure you’ll agree that you have no other choice to wait and repeat that question again to yourself and others,
until you are 100% sure,
(since obviously, being dead is not reversible).

Your life may have been a mistake
(not by you but by 2 others),
but your death should NEVER be YOUR very last intentional mistake.

(I’ve been told, MOST pregnancies are unplanned, so technically speaking, loved/wanted or not, we are all “mistakes” + unexpected blessings).

shatterediris 11/7/2019 - 11:29 am

when you say that you have a deadline of 35 is there any criteria for extending that deadline on that day? That’s a weirdly worded question I don’t think that was clear…. I guess an example can help? I had very similar but at 22 (day of 22nd birthday at 8pm) but stated that’d be the day if I was still just as unhappy with my life as I was when I decided that. Like do you have that second part? If not you could maybe consider adding a contingency so you have a goal for those 10 years?

Also I doubt that you are as bad of a person as you think you are, you show that you are capable of self reflection which puts you ahead of most people in decency…. You really should try to be less harsh on yourself. I’m sorry if this is unhelpful.

JudgeMeNot 11/13/2019 - 3:11 pm

Alot can change in 10 years..

Cause of Death: Suicide 11/18/2019 - 2:56 am

I’ve been planning my suicide for 15 years already. I’ve never had family or friends to tell. I was supposed to have already killed myself 7 years ago. Basically, I buy a shotgun, drive off into the middle of nowhere and shoot myself. I know it sounds so easy and this is why I am so depressed because I don’t know why I haven’t killed myself yet, why I am still alive. I’ve never had one reason to stay alive and I’ve been waiting for 15 years. I feel nothing but hate for all the faces I see each day and all the voices I hear. It sounds so easy so I don’t know why I can’t just do it. I should have already died 7 years ago.

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